The show goes on..

Football has always been the major topic of conversation among menfolk, alongside sex. Be assured that the group of men in front of you are talking about jana’s champions league game between FC Barcelona and Manchester united.  As a Manchester fan I am in grief for our loss. Last night and this morning my TL was full of people attempting to jump off a balcony as others cheer them on. That Spanish team practically out passed us and that diminutive midget, Messi made a fool out of us with his nutmegs. I felt that Lord Fergi would have just swallowed (or chew) his ego n gone for the proverbial defence game coz that is what has always worked for Barca. The good thing is that the trophy cabinets of arsenal and Chelsea are yawning right now (hehe). That has gone a long way reducing the brunt of the disses their idiot fans are bringing our way. We still have two trophies, haters!!!

If there is a guy who does not follow the football events week in week out should just go ahead and wear a bra. Yeah I said just that. It is not so hard to pretend to love football. It’s not that I am against the dudes who can’t stand football (ok, am against em! WTF, grow some, and love it); it’s just that it has always been the guy’s game. Following any premier league team gives you a sense of belonging. That moment when you know you are part of the millions shouting hoarse for a goal scored is worth savour. You attain a sense of pride when your team thrashes some other team. There is this rush of adrenalin that you experience when your team is stepping out of the tunnel to the field, at the last minute corner kick when the even the goal keeper comes forth to look for a goal, the last ten minutes when you kaza your haga like nobody’s business.

The beauty of the premier league is that when you lose, your rival fans will overwhelm you with all forms of insults. They will coin up the worst jokes ever. All this is done just to ensure that your loss sinks to the deepest of your veins. It will be the moment when you will wake up in the middle of the night to wonder how the hell you favourite striker missed the penalty. That week you are free to sulk and talk less. Football website will be a no-go zone because your team will be crucified by the pundits. You will repeatedly curse the unfair referee’s name throughout the week. The next time your rival fans lose a game, it will be your turn to ridicule them. All the above will happened in reversed roles. This is the beauty of being a football fan.

This football has broken relationships. I know of guys who openly profess that their soccer teams are their first wives who are assured of no divorce. Dear girlfriend/wife, you’ve got to understand this. You cannot separate your guy from football. Just learn to accommodate that woman. That is the only woman whom the man is assured that he is not in the risk of contracting AIDS or some other STI, but you can give it to him. That is how special that woman is. Just do not fix plans for a Saturday evening because they are bound to hit a brick wall.

So we will be faced with two months without a premier league match. That is so depressing. It will be the opportunity to support the local PL. Though not so exciting, we will just do it for the patriotism’s sake. Go sofapaka.

Boom box playlist

The show goes on – Lupe fiasco.

dear Mr. President

I read some blog post of a letter to the president and I was touched. It triggered me to write my own letter to the president.

So here I go.

Dear Mr. President,

Receive my greetings from Kisii county. For your information this county is in Nyanza province (near Kisumu city). The people of Kisii are doing great with all the immense rains they are experiencing. It is so depressing that other areas in the republic of Kenya do not experience such showers of blessings. My metalwork teacher in high school used to joke that God’s bathroom is situated above Kisii highlands. Though the rains are essential, our roads are not happy about them. They turn to shambas all the time it rains... you know most of the roads over here have never been serviced with marrum.

I usually watch news and I get very intriguing stories. Some of them are about you. Others are really hard to understand. There is this story about father Kizito. This dude sodomised men and little boys (a number of them went ahead to confess in front of the camera), hospital results confirmed that the act was done. He was arrested, taken to court then something fishy happened after that. He was whisked away then later released. You know Mr. President if I went to solicit for answers, I would not get them. I feel the most powerful person in the land can get the answers effortlessly. You are that person. This country has been subjected to sinister events that the citizenry crave to get enlightened on them; the police are the main culprits. Since you are the commander in chief please do something. Some other Kenyans had their brains blown away by a Kenyan army grenade while playing near their homes. It seems the army is so busy getting negligent that they even do not notice Ethiopians killing Kenyans along the border.

The TV also shows pictures of people living in tents. Your ministers and the VP have been making pledges to resettle these people over the years. The work being done is not sufficient. Otherwise nobody would be whining. My dad says most of these people are pretenders who want free land; I believe your government has machinery to iron out this confusion. You remember these people became IDPs most probably because they voted for you in 2007. They are counting on you sir. There is no excuse that you have insufficient funds because we know that the prime minister spends ksh 600,000 a night while overseas (excluding cost of staff and other kith n kin). Talking of 2007 and elections, my area MP is never at home. He usually gives the excuse that he is busy in Nairobi. It is bizarre because you have not given him a ministerial position. I have never seen him on KBC during parliamentary proceedings. Kwani what else do you tell MPs to do in Nairobi? When you see him please tell him to come home.

Mr. President, I have just completed my schooling and am looking for a job. The government pledged to create jobs to the citizens. It is yet to create one for me. Employment to government jobs are full of nepotism. Am very unlucky because I do not have some relative to help me out. May be you would help me??

Please do something about the fuel prices. As one of the brightest economists Kenya has ever produced you understand the implications of this (is it true that you were the top candidate in the back-in-the-day equivalent of KCSE??). I won’t start on how high the prices of commodities have risen to. Matatus (these are public service vehicles) are now charging exorbitant fares. The normal Kenyan is getting the whole weight of these costs. Being the economist you are, I hope you will work the magic. I hear some government officials have a stake in these oil companies and that’s why nobody is eager to pressure them to moderate the prices.

Mr. President, I am a huge Manchester united fan. I know you are a golf fan (sorry about tiger woods). When I am not supporting man utd, I do support SOFAPAKA (a Kenyan team) and the Kenya national soccer team. The state of the Kenyan football is worsening. How I wish you would swing that golf club towards FKL and KPL leaders. Hit em hard. They are making it hard for me to enjoy Kenyan football.

When your friend M7 came to Kenya, he gave several interviews to members of the media. We would appreciate you giving an interview once in a while. Try it with Julie Gichuru. She is not intimidating, nor is she commanding. Her smile will make you at home..er at state house throughout the interview. Or you can just make an appearance at one of the Churchill live episodes. 

Finally, best of wishes as you wind up the last lap in that office. Make it count.

Signed

Natb.

Boom box playlist:

Kikao cha dharula (sio mzee) – professor J.

Of relas and the need to know them.

In the course of last week a very close auntie of mine passed away (may she R.I.P). As usual such incidents lead to getting to meet relas and other friends you rarely bump into. I had an opportunity of chatting with some old man who had a real grip on our family tree. As usual it all started with him getting mad that I knew a spoonful of members of the extended family. To make it all worse, I didn’t know his name. I have never rejected the fact that I am pathetic in mastering people’s names. Hi-I-am-natb kind of introductions never cuts for me because I will forget your name quicker than the seconds ENO uses to work. No wonder I used to see Christmas trees during chemistry lessons back in high school. Am I supposed to smile n nod when you tell me that whenever I see K am supposed to know it is potassium? Then there are like 60 other letters that am supposed to swot up. Mastering my relatives’ names is far worse. You see according to Kisii culture people are named after some dead relative. When a very famous relative dies, all babies born in the next 2 years are given his/her surname name. That means that you would come across like 5 people telling you they are called Meshack Omari. So my brain is supposed to create folders to classify people according to names. As far as I am concerned am supposed to master the names of Manchester united players and few other Kenyans who make my world tick.

So back to my old man. He took me through a very extensive lecture of the composition of our family starting from my great-grand father. I kept nodding as he listed names and more names of people. It was like he was reciting a graduation list, the difference is that most of the graduates he was reading were dead and possibly never heard the word university. He seemed impressed by how the information was ‘sinking’ into me going by the concentration levels I was portraying. Frankly, I didn’t get the names (again am not to blame). He got more interesting when he described the person am named after. According to him, he was a typical TDH (this means tall dark n handsome, shacks!). Village chicks used to be all over him like bad news. Bad luck he died young while studying in UG.

Despite all this, the old man had a strong point he was trying pass. It is necessary to know your relatives. At least those in the same age group, better still those of the opposite sex. In this current age you will not know when shit hits the fan. Imagine the rude shock that will greet you when you are informed that you have been having sex with your cousin all through. Of course that will be after having a kid with him/her. Imagine flirting with this chick in a club, then chips-fungaing her three weeks down the line you meet her in your bro’s wedding.... these are instances that makes you close your eyes and pray it never happen to you, right?

Just like your parents and siblings, relatives are not chosen. However the negative traits that your relatives may possess, you cannot stop them from being related to you. Relatives are usually the worst debtors. They will keep on dodging repaying your money till you declare it a bad debt. They will utilize any of your resources to the maximum claiming it is the family property. They will bother you with endless phone calls begging for a favour. The beauty of all this is that they expect you to rise up to the occasion even though it will mean you bend backwards. However these are the individuals who will come to your kid’s harambee. They will be the ones who will attend your funeral and volunteer to raise your orphaned kids. I guess it is a double edged sword.

Boom box playlist:

The difficult prayer- Eminem ft kid

Public Service Announcement

I have spent the last 30 minutes typing a line and deleting it, just to come up with the most attractive one that would make one continue reading this. Well, I bet this is the best I could manage. I never thought blogging could be this tricky. Sigh.

I have decided to do a blog for a number of reasons. Chief of them being, I felt jealous of the established Kenyan bloggers. I spent the better part of last year reading blogs of other people. That kinda stirred me to take this step (though I wasn’t told it was hard!!). These guys make it appear so effortless. I admire the language and sense of humour that some of these guys have. I won’t mention no names in my first blog post! that’s how idiosyncratic *daraaah, big word alert!* I am. Plus I feel some of you might run off from here before you finish reading this post.

*after another 30 mins*

Second, it has dawned on me that I am getting more and more unattached to social networking sites. Gone are the days when I could stay in MKZ’s inbox late into the night, exchanging inboxes with ‘xwities’. I must have either graduated from that isht (where is the cert?) or I got hit in the head so hard that those skills disappeared. Then I joined twitter (@rodgersnatb). Btw if you haven’t joined twitter, then truckloads of fun pass you by every day and I recommend you sue yourself for fun-blocking yourself. I am still on twitter but very hushed as compared to the early when I joined it. Maybe I must be having a shorter attention span than the other Homo sapiens. Anyways it feels like a divine calling by the omnipotent forces in the blogosphere (hehe) to fulfil my dream (a big amen anyone?)

Third, I completed my 8-4-4 a couple of weeks ago (nice idea for a post right?) and me felt I should get onto doing something to keep me busy when I am not busy. I am usually busy being an active member of Kenya tarmacers Inc. This would be a good platform for air my frustrations now that the Grand Canyon is not exactly in close proximity to my home (big bang theory, Sheldon cooper). I should start with PWC, mlinilenga nkt!. Hata sikuwa ninaitaka saaana, niliforciwa kuapply na roomie (waruup Funk!!! hehe). Kwanza wanafanyisha watu kazi kama punda. Anyhue, Good luck Tosh, they liked your name more than mine.

Last and definitely least, this will be the platform that I will use to tell the world about my 1 shilling worth of views, thoughts and ideas. This whole thing is about me, me and me.

So far so good.

By now you should have noticed that am not that excellent a writer. Nonetheless I shall carry on, persist, continue*insert similar words with a Luther king’s voice*)......till I overcome. Grammarnazis, piss off.

The guy to write the posts? His name is NATB. The least you know about him, the better (not even the meaning of the initials). Let’s just say he is my alter ego.

That’s enough for today.

*Walks away whistling welcome to the world- T.I*