Of Hunger Pangs an Tears

Back in the day when I was a kid, like 9 years old, there is something that I experienced that makes me smile whenever I remember it. I should digress and say that I was fond of crying/weeping a lot at that time. I never had any jurisdiction over the tear gates. That was around the time I went to a boarding school. It used to be a teary affair when leaving home for school. My dad would comfort me by telling me that I was just washing my eyes in preparation for daunting studies ahead. I would replicate the affair on visiting day as my mum was leaving me behind. Back to the original issue. So on that fateful day I was watching TV with my bro and dad. I am not sure what appeared on the tube that made me all teary. Dad saw me as I tried to secrete away the tears. On being asked what was amiss, I gave the most ludicrous answer. I still can’t believe I said that. I just told him I was crying because I was feeling hungry. Sigh. It was nearing supper time and I thought I could get away with it cheaply. We live in a rural set up and food is always in profusion. Nobody could understand why I ended up feeling so hungry that I had to whimper. As usual I stuck to my original answer, withstood scorn from all corners and never bothered to tell anybody that really it was not hunger that was bringing forth my tears. I am not going to say whether I still the teary lil guy that I was at that time.

As other people pretend to be crying because of some simulated hunger, there are those Kenyan who are currently facing actual starvation. We tend to take it lightly when it is reported that individuals are facing starvation in some corner of the country. It is like we do not live in the same country. Yesterday I reflected on the kind of situation that these guys are experiencing and I felt touched. You know dying of hunger is a far more painful experience than poison, hanging or falling from a balcony. One has to endure a lot of pain over a long period of time before succumbing.  On top of this they do not have adequate shelter. You know it could be easier to starve in a conducive environment. Most of us cannot imagine, let alone missing a meal in a day. Yet some others spend days before getting a handful of ugali kavu. I salute the efforts that the private sector and individuals have put up in availing avenues for contributing.

Yesterday, the prime minister hinted that the government was doing their best in tackling the situation. He claimed the media was portraying the government negatively on the matter.  The governments’ best comprises of giving false assurances and spending most of their time campaigning for next year’s elections. Parliament was yesterday passing a motion that may end up increasing their pay packages. That is the best that they can do. Things cannot get more retarded than this. Warnings from the weatherman were shelved. You can’t blame them, after all Kenya is made of people engaging in empty talk all the time. I like the way the media is really shoving this matter into to the noses of whoever who cares to notice. I was watching citizen business yesterday and the background picture was very malnourished kids. There was another picture of kibaki n raila with wailing kids between them.

This is a national crisis and everybody who is able should give a hand should go ahead and do it. Our government is full of shite to solve this problem alone. It takes just 10 bob to make a difference. Contributing 100 bob will feed more people than you can imagine. There are over 3 million Kenyans (and other somalians) who are repeatedly day dreaming how fellow countrymen are deeping their hands into pockets to help them. They are surviving with hope that you and me will do something to help. I have already given and will continue to give, will you?

Boom box playlist:

Footprints in the sand – Leona Lewis

Let's have a toast for the scumbags

This country of ours has endless supply of spewers of bullshit. Not a single day passes without me exclaiming WTF! Isn’t there a competition or an award ceremony for such acts? It is time Kenya started benefiting from such isht. In a bid to distinguish and appreciate the unwavering persistence of the Kenyan people, raise your glasses (I don’t care whether it contains champaign, chambein, keg, milk, chai, chai ya cocoa, water etc) and let’s have a toast for these douches:

Marende

When this guy was elected spika, *with ekwe ethuro accent* everybody said he was fit for that job. Sober, laidback, etc. he has been doing good all the way. However the guy changed when KRA came knocking at his office. Mr. Sir why are you willing to take a bullet for the mpigs just for them not to pay taxes? He asserts that there was a gen’men agreement btn president, PM, Ag and him. You know I would excuse him if he was born before the ’02 agreement was talked about in ’07 btn Raila and Obako. Nobody honors promises in Kenya. Not especially near parliament and with Wako as the legal backing. Just get over it. I am thinking of two reasons why marende is fighting for MPs not to be taxed: a) one of the mps has pictures of him in compromising positions, possibly in sabina joy and he/she is blackmailing him or b) the guy is so broke and by paying the backdated taxes he will end up walking with just panties beneath that official gown.

Sonko

So this is the current Mr.famous of Nairobi, mr.i-can-take-a-dump-in-the-streets-of-nairobi-n-nobody-does-nothing. This guy has done everything unlawful in this country yet he is freer than me. I get it that occasionally he passes by mama mbogas’ place and gives 1k to each of them. But why the camera happy nature? I don’t know how but all the crazy stunts he performs are often recorded by all the major media houses. The sad part is that these honorable media houses will air the story with a sense of pride and achievement. Am hoping the guys behind sonko as he performs his bewildering acts are well compensated for their PDS (public display of stupidity). I know if I ask the guys who elected him not to do it again I will end up in ICU or the morgue. Just tell him reduce the number of times he appears on my TV screen. Otherwise the people I live with, will keep on suspecting that am pregnant going by the times I puke in a day.

MPs

Everybody knows the drill here. I wonder why scientists have not yet come up with an vindication for the sudden and mysterious brain loss of these guys the moment they are sworn in. every Kenyan people hate MPS, well except themselves, their families and clandes. These guys do everything against the conventional common sense. At the end of the day they are entitled to over 800k for this. Sometimes I feel that there must be some funny gas in the parliamentary buildings which erodes their thinking capacity. Thank God that gas lives there alone. These guys don’t want to pay tax because they have financial obligations and funerals to attend. I don’t know what more to say. Just have a toast.

Iteere n his mboys

You know it would be easier if it is candidly said that the Kenyan police forces have no other skills apart from returning fire and recovering a toy pistol. Whenever there is a case, the police will say they will launch an investigation and that will be that. You will never hear about it again. Maybe ‘launching an investigation’ is their phrase for ‘case closed, twende tukunywe muratina.’ I am not telling them to be like CSI NY or something (anyway why can’t they?). I just want to see them connect obvious dots and arrest somebody. They are said to have given an inconclusive report on mercy keino’s death. After all the investigative reports from the media and witnesses they couldn’t come up with something good. Smh.

Churches n pastors

One thing I love about the seventh day Adventist SDA church is that they do not meddle in the affairs that are not directly concerning them. It is a trend that whenever a fly passes over the plate, the church will organize a press conference and yap how unholy the act of the fly was and how they expect it to proceed to the Sunday service with more sadaka to cleanse its soul. So to speak.  These guys do not miss any opportunity to remind us how the Pharisees were on Jesus’ case back in the day. Pastors should just sit pretty and wait for sadaka on Sunday. We do not need to see them on TV trying to solve math problems and jumping into the murky political waters.

My Orange modem

This is personal. I use an orange modem. To say the least, it is cruel, vindictive, nasty, uncongenial and hard to work with. 100 mbs get used up when they reach 85mb mark. That means you have to reload it before the 85mbs. Loading the orange website usually takes like 5mbs on a good day. The orange customer care guys have no idea how a modem works. They hear all about it in the newspapers and tv. A 1mb file uses 5mins and 3mb to down load. Am trying to convince myself that all this is just happening to my modem alone.

FIDA

Sometimes back my younger bro asked me what FIDA meant in full. I do not have a clue (any one?). For the sake of this post, Fida means all groups out there fighting for the rights and lefts of women. Am not trying to appear sexist or something. But I certainly do not like what these groups are doing in some instances. We get it that women are sometimes discriminated in some areas. We also know the constitution has some clause that talks about a third of public seats bla bla. I want them to tell me whose fault it is when an interview to appoint five people is called, 15 men and a lady show up. Since a third of the appointed has to be women, do one of the guys appointed turn to wearing a skirt just to fulfill this condition? I think this equality thing is being pushed too far and it will end up compromising competency. These guys have come up with a kasystem to force people to elect more than a third of MPs to be women. I hope it doesn’t see the light of the day. Some guy said these women groups are composed of divorced, unmarried, sexually deprived women with a midlife crisis who want to get back at men. I kinda disagree with him…or not.

Student leaders

Student leaders are meant to look after the interests of the students. The truth of the matter is that they are usually focused in filling their pockets and kick starting their political careers. The UON leaders take the cake in having the real leaders. These guys end up being MPs and activists, currently the most stupid pair. So some day a student leader uttered on camera that they had killed and burnt some guards they has suspected to be engaging in rape and robbery. I thought such things only happen in my home village? I wunt support that at all.

Activists

Gone are the days when activism was activism in Kenya. Remember father Njoya? Serious activists have been replaced by greedy and scheming men and women operating in the guise of fighting for rights and lefts. This is how inactivists act: each day they are fighting for a different wrong in some area of the government. At the end of the day they do not achieve anything. The next day implies that they have forgotten about jana’s activities and looking for a new area to go to. Yesterday they were heckling a magistrate. They even said that she was being used like a condom by the government. I hear that these guys document the haki yetu marches, police cat and mouse chases and the press conferences they give. They use the clips to beg for sponsorship from international donors which they swallow. Scumbags.

Rita Muchiri

Do not worry if you do not remember this name. This is the lady who was demanding a 1.2 million dowry. Smh. A guy can move the oceans and land for a girl. He can make it stop raining for her. He can even catch a grenade for her. However he can never pay 1.2M for her. With the current trend in divorce and infidelity, nobody will think of committing such an act. Kwanza who has such money to splash unless the boss (Mwau) is his dad? The chick, in a mabati rolling mills suit, claimed that the peros had used lots of money to educate her and that required a refund. Lemmie catch a breath. Who’s going to refund money the man’s parents used for schooling him? Sometimes I get the impression that people talk without thinking. I will pay1.2 meters as dowry for you if you have ALL these abilities:

-generating (not cooking) food with exact ingredients

                                          -Strong Penile Erection inducer

                                          -Ability to find lost electricity

                                          -Ability to change faces on my command

                                            -No aging

                                            -Father Christmas characteristics

                                            -Room for mpango wa kando

Boom box playlist:

Runaway – Kanye west ft Pusha T.

Everything am Not...

I completed campus in April full of enthusiasm and expectation. Despite all the Hakuna Kazi chithat all over, nobody bothers to believe it. I never believed it too. There is this manufacturing plant on the way to where I stay that has a big poster at the gate saying there are no job openings. It is again translated in Swahili just to clarify. I always smirk when I pass there and see it. I get it damn it! After three months of applying, waiting, applying, waiting and more waiting with no replies, I have come to acknowledge that getting a job depends on factors kilometers away from the classroom affairs.

There exists a cycle similar to that of poverty that exists in the job market. If your relative is a manager somewhere, you can be assured of a job in that area. Later you will replicate it by giving a through pass to his/her son or some other relative. It goes on and on. Such families will stay employed forever. If your extended family does not have managers, you will always be at the sidelines, possibly a clerical job in a mhindi shop. No possibility of growth. No possibility of creating a job opening for your people. Everybody in that family starts from square one. It goes on and on. If you are in the second category trust me you will need more than papers to pierce the corporate veil.

My friend Funk calls it luck. According to him people are born lucky and unlucky. I kinda agree with him. You can blame your ancestors, your ancestors’ gods, the sun or even the church service you skipped but if you are not lucky, then you better develop a thick skin or just walk with a shield. Not a day will pass without nature reminding you of what you are. It’s like you are a slave. The master will swing a whip at you any time just to remind you who is in control. Lucky chaps bring the impression that they can sit down, close their eyes and summon the rains successfully. You know. Their lives are well documented like ours but, the road used doesn’t have traffic jams, pot holes or dead bodies waiting to be run over. They reach their destinations on time and safely. They have like 4 chicks with a crush on them at any given time. You as mr.not-so-lucky will have not even a fraction of these. The road your car of life uses is completely converse. Sometimes the car even runs out of fuel, and you think of quitting the journey.

Everybody knows which group he/she is in. they say you cannot change where you are from but you can change your future. That should give the unfortunate lot, like me, something to sleep on. Something got to start from somewhere however big it will be. It is just a matter of getting the facts right. And hoping lady luck smiles at you, just for this one time.

Boom box playlist:

Everything I Am – Kanye West.

This n That II

Yesterday I felt like I should write a new blog post, so I opened word. Stares. Blink. I had nothing to write. I rather enjoyed watching that ka-nini (I don’t know its name) blink. It’s like it was laughing at me. Loser. I hurriedly closed that window and browsed over my “muviz” folder for something to watch. I had to watch ‘The Bank Job’ again. If you love a bri_ish accent (n women with minimal or no apparel) like yours truly, you can never get weary of watching this movie. My finest jiffy is when some old guy is so furious at some lady and yells at her: …’you conniving c***’ hehehe. Complete with the profound accent. Sigh. That accent is going to slay me one day. The day some lass (exquisite or otherwise) benevolently steps in front of me and articulates to me something pleasant in that inflection…I will bloody go woozy. *that is a br,sh talk rai thea*

By now you know I got nadda remarkable to write about. I just wanted to use my lil shamba to tell the human race, and aliens if they have internets, how oblivious I am in coming up with something to write about. Being an unemployed Kenyan youth, I usually report to my workplace (couch) every day and unwind with my companion – tedium. My dad called me and proposed that I look for kibarua ‘kubeba vitu kwa duka la mhindi’. Of course he was joking but for a moment I imagined what if he was serious. The first scary thought that came into my mind was wondering how the mhindi could pronounce my name. I think I would have to change my name to Manmit (damn I miss ‘outsourced’). I then wondered whether the boss would be the same size as the fatty bag of fat in TPF all stars super fans corner sharing a bottle of tusker with Joey. Taking orders from a fat Indian is not that amusing. Speaking of TPF, there is this advert I saw of Safari park (I think) where some Chinese/Korean/Japanese/any other small eye country was getting VIP treatment. She was supposed to be some big shot business lady in town? No no, wrong choice. I thought she looked more of one of the massage girls who had arrived late to work n was given a lift in a limo.

Some day I was watching the beat at ntv and they were showing a clip from BET awards where Chris Brown was performing with buster rhymes some song. So these guys censored some word as buster was rapping with his trademark 1 million words per second. I don’t think it was obligatory. NTV were taking it too far. You see, most of us were brought up just knowing rumours about a language called English. That is loosely translated to, we cannot get those words spoken that fast. Nway, that was not my beef. The same night I was watching ‘private practice’ at the same channel. At some point some lady was like…I s*bleep* with him. Again after another sentence,…I told you I s*bleep* with him.

So NTV was censoring the word slept. They did not want us to know she slept with him or did not want us to follow cue and go sleep with him/her. Or something like that.

I had promised myself not to write a swear word on this blog in full, but that instance made me change my mind. *capital letters denotes shouting, OJ style*

NTV, WHAT THE FUCK!!!!

Sigh. I now feel so good. I think I should start a WTF corner where I bellow at whoever pisses me or my shiny, royal balls.

Boom box playlist:

Forgive Me – Group 1 Crew

Moi University Handbook.

As we approach the opening date for the first year students in Moi University, allow me to give excerpts from the Moi University Handbook which were inadvertently left out of that big green boring pamphlet they sent you. They were written in italics and the secretary thought they were supposed to be omitted.

So ladies and gentlemen, congratulation goes to those people who, despite availability of other better universities, chose to choose this Kesses university. Being one of the newest members of the alumni, let me inform you that you made a very special choice. Being a university with a difference, I wish to inform you of the features that make us different from other universities:  

Campuses

We pride ourselves of an uncountable number of campuses that we have opened. No, I mean it literary. Nobody will be able to establish the number of campuses the university has off head. Not even the VC. Nobody bothers. Just like the mobile network, we are everywhere. You must have seen a Moi uni poster in your village, it is not a bluff; we have a campus there. This academic year, we are set to start a campus in the eldoret bus station.

Our massive assets

We are not endowed with campuses alone. Ladies n gens, we have ….wait for it….a helicopter. Yes, that one. Though very very few people have laid eyes on it, we are confident that it is present and working. It is due to security reasons that it is under limited scrutiny. Its obligations are extremely indispensable. It usually ferries the VC to his home (once a month) and other similar trips that gives him comfort and peace of mind to execute his duties of opening campuses across the country and beyond  (south sudan). We are the sole owners of RIVATEX company, the premier textile producer for east and central Africa. The company does not give attachment and employment priority for moi uni students in a bid to allow other non moi uni members to have a taste of this glorious community. We also own other assets including a big hotel in eldy town.

Official dialect of Moi university staff

The official language within and without the university is kalenjin. Others call it kigale. I wish to ask you to learn it as soon as possible if you are not from that tribe. This will break the language barrier that might exist. Secretaries in all offices prefer this language. To some, it is the only language they speak n understand. Such people are employed in accordance to the ministry of heritage directive of preserving the Kenyan roots amid these changing times. Kitchen staff, janitor, student leaders, lecturers, watchmen, matatu drivers, mama mbogas, and the VC use this dialect.

Fare

On the reporting date you might notice that the fare from Eldy town to campus is the same as that of Eldy town to Nairobi. That should not surprise you despite the fact that the distance is a massive 35 kms. The fare was reached after a meeting between the senate, matatu owners association  (lecturers) and student leaders. The meeting was broadcasted live on a local TV station. The official university dialect was used. The rise in fuel prices, length of the distance, HELB, and the deepness of the matatu owners (and others who were at the meeting) pockets were considered when coming up with price.

Booking rooms

When you arrive, you will be subjected to a looong queue when getting a room. That is one of the more than a few policies that have been put in place to ensure students are fully fit (read slimpossible policy). Plans to enable booking of rooms online were shelved because of three reasons:  1) It was realized that cyber crime was rife in Kenya. Credible information was received pertaining a plot by criminals to steal a hostel, online. Imagine waking up and getting a whole hostel stolen? 2) Determination of an official password was also a problem that made the plans to be shelved. This is because the online booking programme could not be written in the official university language which most housekeepers (janitors) used. 3)The program did not have a way of collecting a fee which housekeepers usually charge if your want express VIP treatment. The fees is used for buying pens, mid-morning tea, fare, kids skul fee, clande upkeep for the house keeper.

Toilets

The state of toilets in the hostels is…well…different. They were made in 1984 (the day the university was founded). The supplier of the WC system assured us that they would require repair after 50 years. We are still waiting for 2034. The toilets are made in such a way that one steps on the seat when using it. This is another slimpossible policy of the university. Other equipments like beds, locks, windows (including pane), switches, bulbs, floor, and chairs became operational in 1984 and carry a life expectancy of 50 years.

Classwork

Unlike other universities, we value your education. We have employed lecturers as per the ministry of heritage. On top of teaching you the course work, they will teach you how to pronounce English words in their respective mother tongues. At the end of the four years your cert will indicate your ability to pronounce English words in all the 42 language on top of English language. Whenever assignments are given, you are allowed to use your neigbour’s copy. Just make sure you change the cover page and probably the format from Calibri to times new roman and vice versa where applicable. This will leave you with more time to study in the library, mess, your room, neighbor’s room or your lady friend’s room…as long as it is studying. During CATs and final exams, you are allowed to use a mwakenya. A mwakenya is a compressed comprehensive notes that a student records down as a proof that he/she has studied them. A mwakenya shows that a student has all the notes with him/her.

Exam grades.

 Grades are not normally given according to how well you wrote the exams. Since everybody is allowed to use a mwakenya, it is assumed that everybody will get 100%. Grades are therefore given using a random probability rating grade generator that is recommended by the ministry. The size of your pocket, your tribe, luck, lecturer’s mood are considered in awarding the grades. Results are released after two years. The random probability rating grade generator requires two years to give grades. First class honors are given using a different generator. It is called a first glass galenjin spiging only students awarded generator.

Honorable mentions:

Peter mashoka, absence of TVs in the TV rooms, presence of school buses which are actually absent.

Boombox playlist:

Cee-Lo Green – The Song Otherwise Known As ‘Forget You ‘

Buster rhymes ft Linkin Park – We made it.