Natb awards 2011..

In the wake of last night's ballon d'Or, it would be prudent to offer awards for the respective movers and shakers in my life in the last year. It is no secret that there is one guy who has swept almost all the categories. He deserves it, coz he is awesome. The winners were selected by a credible panel of eminent persons. That’s all you need to know about them. Without any more jibber jabber, ladies and gentlemen Natb presents the 2011 Natb awards winners’ list….

The I think am big Meech award for being the best blogger in the year

I started this blog in the year 2011 and went all the way to ace it. Being the only blog in my life, it definitely comes out as the undisputed winner in this category. Reports in the media say this blog is dope and soon the police might be on my ass for addiction related cases. Other bloggers are seething with envy as I pile up my empire. Yeah am done chest thumping.

The You will never reap what you sow award for joining the hungry dissatisfied Kenyan workers bandwagon

I got my first job in 2011. That is an automatic qualification to join the group of Kenyans who are always overworked and underpaid. Tuko Wote. That’s the comforting message that is at the doorway. Even the 7 figure earning blokes are members too. Whichever way you look at it you will notice that the income you make for the owner is not reflective of what the owner pays you. After joining this bandwagon is when you notice that prices of commodities move like a clock’s seconds hand as the salary moves as the hour hand.

The dog is now free to eat my books award for finishing campo

I finally cleared the 8-4-4 syllabus this year. What a collective moment of gladness. Though I suggest they revise it to something like 4-4-8. People need to spend more time studying what they will be in future and not cramming how to choose the right answer from the choices given. Plus it could be great to spend more years in campus right?

The Pimping all over the world award for finally visiting Mombasa

They say that you haven’t experienced anything if you have not gone to ‘mambasani’. Just to be clear Voi is not Mombasa (I am not pointing fingers Mesh). They also say kuingia ni rahisi, kutoka ni matanga. I have no clue what that means. You have not experienced night life if you haven’t been to Mtwapa. I deserve the award for accomplishing all these plus others which are not included in the award specifications. The first time I went there was during the campus ‘academic’ tour. Mad fun. The second was later when I went to live there. The coastal accent is still in my ranks. 

The Hooligan award for participating in a hooligan AFC/Gor match

For the first time I got to attend a derby between these teams. It was a hell of an experience. People can really get crazy. Being the kalonzo that day, I sat on the afc side in the first half and proceeded to the gor side in the second half. Kenyans are really creative in coming up with jeers. It was a hell of an experience.

The We are now independent and ready to marry award for moving into my own New house

Despite the issues that come up with moving out to your own apartment, it is a milestone for every guy. A new house in this context means a room with imaginary walls separating the bedroom, kitchen, wardrobe, sitting room, TV room, gym room, guest room, verandah, weapon room, garage, garden, study room and another extra room that am yet to figure what to do with it. It is working for me. The house chores are not working for me. Anyway it is at the larva stage on the way to being a full house (adult) in terms of furniture, utensils, electronics, weapons and other penthouse equipments. Am hopeful.

The elder of losing stuff award for letting my IDs get lost

This year brought the 10 year old me memories back. That was the first time I went to boarding school. I was a veteran in losing stuff. The more the effort I put in keeping an item, the sooner it got lost. My family and I were literally getting worried. It came to pass. This time I lost my IDs. I should have lost money instead. I am a frustrated human being courtesy of the registrar’s office and my lost sense of custody.

The Kim kerdashian’s marriage award for losing my waiting card

Well, after losing my ID I applied for a new one. A month never ended before I lost the waiting card. *head hung in shame*. The kerdashian marriage lasted longer. I deserve the award. Let me tell you one thing that I have learnt from this…what was that?...ooops! I think I have lost it.

The You never got D’s mathafaka D’s for going late for a CAT

The two most unfocused people in the world (no finger pointing) and I happened to go for a 1.5 hour cat, 1 hour late. It was no big deal, we still passed. I deserve this award. I finished earlier than some of the square heads who were there an hour before. To top that I scored better than some most of them.

The Leave the morphine at my door award for the awesome blog readers who are still here

Sincerely speaking, I never expected to have such a number of page viewership by the end of the year. It is all because of you the reader. This award goes out to all the readers of this blog. I appreciate that. I hope we will be together throughout 2012. Lest, it will rain.

Boom box playlist:

I’m the best – Nicki Minaj

End year strange clouds.

At last it is 2012. Happy New Year guys though I was left behind in 2011, I managed to muscle my way here. It does not feel like a New Year, does it? At least to me it doesn’t. My phone got spoilt on 31^st so I never received those ‘happy new year, may you..’ messages. It must have been scared of change. Apart from worrying my parents sick of my whereabouts, it made me drift to the world of solitude to usher my new year devoid of any technological and social interference, well except my laptop and the TV series ‘Homeland’.

New years are signified by renewed energies and vigor to embark on jobs or schools in the year. I have none of that. I still struggle to wake up as I did last year. In fact I am worse. I now snooze my alarm twice. My house is a piece of well documented mess. It is still December 23^rd in my mind. I was denied the break I really deserved. The mere act of going out of town for few days could have worked magic on me.

As most of you were merrying and feasting on rural goat ribs, I was in the city working. Scratch that. I was mostly in industrial area working. My job dictates I go for end year stock takes at my clients’ places. That is depressing. It gets worse when the clients are in the festive mood because their characteristic delays and sluggishness will technically wear you off. One time I went for a stock take at 10 am and I was told the guy in charge was to arrive at 3pm. Now that is a perfectly fucked up situation. Industrial area is characterized by two things: warehouses and dust. You either stay in that warehouse or stay out with the dust. There are no fancy places to go just to pass time. The fanciest place is outside Manji biscuits factory, which has a biscuits aroma floating around.

Speaking of fancy places. Matatus from that place reach Muthurwa. So you have to walk your way into town. One time I decided to take my lunch in some hotel in Muthurwa. I knew what I was getting into. I mean..I grew up with such kinds of hotels. This was all out of curiosity. It is part of my New Year resolutions to act out of ordinary ey?

I cannot remember the hotel’s name. It was very large. Probably the size of a tennis court. It has plastic furniture arranged in three longs rows across the hall. It had two TVs in each end of the tennis cou..um each end of the hotel walls, on citizen naija channel. What surprised me was that there was no kitchen in sight. I later learnt that the kitchen is in another building about 25 meters away. The waitresses have to cross through some open space with your order to reach you. The waitress who came to serve me was really, really glad to see me going by the smile she flashed at me. She had this menu full of masking tapes. Damn this fluctuating dollar. I flashed my best smile back at her. I came to find out that she is glad to see all other customers. I withdrew my best smile. There was something wrong with her and it was not the badly done eye lashes and the squirrel on the head in the name of a weave. I think her panties were two sizes larger than her trouser. It could have made more sense if she turned superman/woman and wore the panties over the trousers. It was a sight not to look at twice. I will leave it at that.

Well, I ate githeri special. Nothing was special about it apart from the direct contact with sunlight and the 987 kms it covered from the kitchen to my stomach. Anyway, it gave me energy to walk from Muthurwa to Ngara. For the record I never experienced any stomach problems because of that. I told you I grew up with such things.

I have my fingers crossed that my mind, focus and a sense of drive gets delivered to me in time to officially start my new year. I hope this year will get better than the last. Just to echo my friend Tosh’s wishes: may 2012 be an unrivaled story of greatness, growth and goodness.

Boom box playlist:

 Paradise – Coldplay.