Natb Hates...

Being human like all of you, I am entitled to love and hate whatever I stumble upon in the everyday life. Hate is good! Why? You cannot love something if you do not hate the other, see? Without more ruckus, ladies and gen’men Natb presents Natb Hates….

Uganda.

It is not a secret that I abhore this country. There is this ego they have that I cannot stand. I have an impression that if the country had something of substance (like a port or oil well), they could have kicked Kenyans out of Kenya. Their honourable, lifetime ‘prisident’ of theirs does not make things any better. The guy acts like he is the sole distributor of oxygen and owner of Africa, and not that tiny, landlocked piece of land that they call a country. He has literary grabbed two islands from Kenya. Now I hear UG is collecting taxes from the residents of Migingo. You know they are doing all this yet they are heavily dependent on Kenya. Kenya has never beaten the Uganda football team since like forever. A couple of months ago Uganda was in town for a game. The Ugandan fans came too, with all the arrogance and dirty talk about our team’s incapacitation. Where is the GSU when you need them?

Nigerian movies

Exactly six years ago, I had a thing for Nigerian movies. I also never had a problem wearing a yellow ‘sen’genge ni n’gombe’ cap. Now I know better. I think Nigerian movies are out to ruin the Kenyan film industry (wait, is there one?). If you compare Kenyan and Nigerian movies, both scripts suck, the cast is fairly akin in terms of looks, Nigerian accent is sickening, they tackle similar topics, the acting is mediocre, they use similar weaves etc. So why go for Nigerian movies yet we can manufacture the same locally and do away with transportation costs? The local TV stations are spearheading this noble cause of thrashing local content. What is with these Nigerian movie stars coming to Kenya all the time? And what’s with the deafening screams they receive from ladies? I am just hoping the people screaming are mboches or aspiring mboches who happened to be all in the same place at the right time.

Soaps

Exactly six years ago, I had a thing for soap operas. I also had a baby face. In fact, I never had beards. Things have now changed. I have one beef for soaps; the influence that it gives our ladies. These guys should first look for people with better sounding voices. Stop using frogs as an old woman’s voice. Dear ladies, do not expect men to treat you the way those men treat those women. Do not expect us to kneel down, weep at your feet just to win your heart. At least grow hair to the same length as those chicks and we shall debate whether I could attempt to serenade you. Otherwise just leave whatever you see right there where you saw it. You have never seen a man expect a chick to kick ass the way Nikita does.

Citizen

It is the top TV station in Kenya in terms of viewership. I do not dispute. Banks, hotels, kinyozis, supermarkets, houses (when mboches are around) and any other idle tv have signed a pact to show citizen tv even if the people around do not want to watch any tv. BTW that table at their newsroom is real and good looking and we get it, there is no need of showing it in different angles. The programmes they air make me hate this station. These people air the two programmes I hate. Nigerian movies and soaps, all the time. Any time you switch to citizen channel the probability of getting one of the two is 9/10. The remaining 1/10 is utilized in airing 8024 winners jaba jiba.

Arsenal

Timu ya baba. That’s how some blokes call it. Everybody knows this is a children’s orphanage with a privilege of two cents wages. I have never understood why some people support this team overcrowded with failure. Their trophy cabinet is so full of emptiness that it cannot be locked. Nothing makes my weekends than an arsenal thrashing.

 The Spanish

Every time Spanish people appear on tv, big mouths expansively open, shouting their famous ole song, makes me want to hurl a shoe at the screen. The Spanish have conspired to ensure we (read rest of the world) are condensed into spectators as they celebrate victory after another. They took the world cup, the champions league, I hear last week they won the under 21 world cup. Nadal won the French open crown (what’s its name again?). What made me bitter is the fact that he beat federer (a guy I absolutely love, no homo, and share a God-given name with) at the finals. Kwani how many finals am I going to be heartbroken at the hands of the Spanish mf’ker??

MKZ

Smh. So I used to be a lover of facebook. The whole fb vibe now seems so lame to me. That’s all.

Classic in the morning

The topics discussed in this radio show are so obtuse. Somebody told me that those stories sell. Does it mean that you should nourish us garbage just because you get revenue? Such programmes are totally worthless and makes people more silly. Trust me. Your IQ reduces with the number of such shows you listen to. If you had a CAT in the morning and you board a matatu airing this show, be assured of a fail, unless you have a mwakenya to save you kimakmende. I have never seen the sense of people confessing on air about their sexual conquests. Instead, let somebody disclose the number of trips his pick up makes to JKIA in a month, with concern to his flower business. Such are the stories that will motivate people to pursue stuff that will build this nation.

The standard newspapers

The grammatical errors found in a single page of this newspaper equals to the number of fleas in a wild dog’s balls. On top of that, these guys come up with very dubious news articles (remember UKenyatta airport million dollar theft?). There is something about the overall arrangement of the paper that does not make me happy their magazines are so down, except..em..um..none. Maybe it’s the paper quality, or fonts used. Toilet paper.

Equity bank

I am not a member of equity bank; obviously it is because I hate it. If you asked my dad which is the shadiest bank in Kenya, he will state equity without blinking. I engaged him to tell me why he thought so yet they were raking billions and awards, he just said his guts sayeth so. For me it is not mai guts that said. I have ever gone there to deposit cash thrice. Imagine the smelliest part of muthurwa market and put on a roof, television showing citizen channel and mount equity bank posters. That is the state in this bank. Whichever time you of the month; the queues are usually looong and slow. Some time ago I saw a clip of some guy who came with a goat INTO the bank to deposit money. It seems he had exchanged brains with his partner mr.mbuzi.

Boom box playlist:

Cleaning out my closet – Eminem.

5 reasons why failing is good

Nobody likes failing. In fact that’s the reason why if super powers were to be created, many would in the failure-repellant lotion.  Personally I loathe failing, I’d rather not attempt than failing. In light of this, here are five reasons why failure is worthy and hence you and I should not be afraid to try.

 Failure builds your character

This world is not for the faint hearted, a person has to have the character in his armory to withstand all that the vicious life bowls at him. Failing is the best bet that you can use to build your character. After the sulking, weeping, brooding, sleepless nights, teeth gnashing, regretting, you come out of a failure episode stronger and more ready to kick ass. Next time you get the same challenge, you will be assured in crashing it with a bat of an eyelid. With that, an individual will have acquired the skills of identifying the trip wires and pits that exist in the activity he is undertaking. In addition, failure makes you to be able to deal with disappointments that might arise in future. It makes you master the art of picking up the pieces after every failed attempt and try again. You might be aware of the story of the guy who invented the bulb. He tried like 1000 times before he got the right combination. He never quit.

Failure makes you notice other better avenues

Sometimes people are blinded in whatever they are pursuing. Maybe it is an ego thing. Yaani the only way for him/her to detach is if he/she hits the failure wall, hard in the face. The problem of being obsessed with only one avenue is that you might be missing better avenues on the side. It mostly happens in romantic relationships. Somebody is so engrossed in chasing after some girl who clearly does not want him while overlooking others who are ripe and ready to be harvested right under his nose. After being publicly humiliated in some official dinner, be assured the guy will end up settling for the available and willing lass around the corner.

Failure removes complacency

Success always breeds complacency. The successful individual will gradually start to drop guard assuming the success is there to stay. This would be suicidal because a single blow might bring the individual to his knees in whatever he is undertaking. But if the guy is subjected to occasional flop, he wouldn’t be able to loosen up in any way. This will prevent a large scale failure which might be a catastrophe to him. Failure also makes you think of better ways of improving yourself or your business. That means it will switch the innovation button on. Most companies bring forth new products because of a failure of another one. The new product might go a long way improving the revenues of the company.

Failure removes pride

Nobody likes pride. Scratch that, nobody like to see his neighbor seething with pride and arrogance. People will kill not to see you sitting in your verandah counting your money aloud. Trust me people will always look forward to the day you will fail for them to laugh and pop imaginary champagnes to that. You see, acting like you are the only guy with a wild card to heaven does not auger well with anybody. It feels the same as when accidentally; water/tea enters your lungs. An endless success run will give rise to smugness and that’s why failure is needed to square things up. Anyway, a successful guy needs to fail once in a while just to make the always unsuccessful guys to sleep at night *cue in Manchester united anthem*

Failure makes you to be aware of your weaknesses

The moment you approach that girl, try to vibe her in English, then get seriously stuck after saying ‘hi am natb’ is when you will acknowledge that public speaking and marketing is not going to be the career paths that you would consider going for.  Unless you try something out and you seriously fall on your butt, you might not be able to know your weaknesses. It is obvious you do not know your strengths if you do not know your weaknesses. That means that you will be operating on average gears because you might not be on the strong-point career path of your life. Sometimes you will be able to notice your weaknesses when it is too late to do something about it.

Boom box playlist:

No Matter What – T.I

A letter to my 17 year old self.

Dear Natb

Hey there, it’s me, you know, from the future. I know you are probably busy with something, like studying for your KCSE exams but just hear me out first. I know dad is saying he won’t be having cash to take you for a para course in campo. Probably he is not lying; I never got to know it. You will pass; in fact you will surprise everybody back in the village. Just keep doing what you are doing and you will make it.

Having said that, I know I have scrubbed off one of your greatest qualms. Yeah, I know there are other worries. You can’t imagine how things will turn out. Remember how you hate accounting? You will spend the better part of the next seven years crunching debits and credits. In fact you will be among the best that is. It will wake you up at 4 to undress and do bad things to it.

You have a beard. Yes a beard. Kwani what do you expect, to maintain that baby face forever? If you want to see how I look, take a look at Harun Mwau (hehe). At the moment you are in love and a virgin at the same time. That is the most sought after combinations nowadays which is extinct (I know I have lost you, ha). I wish you could write me explaining what love is. I can’t seem to remember it. Say a big HI to her. I know she still writes those letters. Damn. Enjoy the ‘love’ while it lasts. On the part of being a virgin…hehe. Am not going to blot it for you. I will not disclose to you whether (or how)you’ve lost it. But I will give you a clue; it is easier to catch Amos Wako frowning than to find a virgin.

Natb, great times lie ahead. You might not be serious about that natb name. You better be. That name is in everybody’s lips right now. I have a multinational business under that name. Ok, am messing with you. Am not yet 24, what did you expect? Right now I am an unemployed Kenyan youth. It’s your turn to laugh. However I will not rest till I take that name to the highest heights even if it means jumping from a balcony headfirst while drunk with a fat bank account with three wives and a panga wielding mom. That is what people do these days. Don’t fret, I won’t do that, I do not drink (yet), does not have three wives and mom will never hound people with a panga.

I know I have not told you much. That is because you are still under 18 and I was supposed to write a letter to my 50 year old self. That would be more useful than this. However you can use some advice. Stay away from women, develop a habit of more reading and less movies, be more active in church, avoid those things mom n dad tell you to avoid. With that, 21^st may 2011 would be of more significance. Before I forget, please work on you self confidence and social skills while you are at that age. These are the things causing me problems.

Something called facebook will come along and sweep you into some virtual world. When I said avoid women, those found here should be avoided too. Nothing good comes out of MKZ relationships. Let me end it right here. See you when you get here.

                                                                                                          Signed

                                                                                                          23 year old self

Boom box playlist:

Panic at the Disco- The Ballad of Mona Lisa

this n that

If you are a fan of ‘how I met your mum’, you must be aware how high Burney values his suits. The dude is literary suited up all the time except, well, when getting laid.

This week one of my longest runs came to an end. For the first time in my life I wore a suit. That marked another of my firsts in my life. It is a reason to be scared because the more you accomplish stuff in your life, the nearer you are to your death. This leaves me with few things that I have never done. For example, Sam Wanjiru accomplished like everything before he died. Just wait and see Messi and the bunch of Spanish football players who have won all trophies… or at least that are what I would hope for.

The day I wore the suit, I found it very rough walking in town. Ladies were all over me, causing traffic jams. I gladly smiled as cameras snapped away. The right honorable prime minister invited me to the Intercontinental for lunch just to be seen together with me in a suit. The city council officials worked unstintingly to clear lady panties that were littered wherever I had passed. The daily papers had a photo of me beaming from the top of a range sports that I had been given as a gift from a rich influential cougar. In the evening, the GSU had to be called to chase girls from my residence with tear gas…….sigh. That’s how I had imagined it would be. Unfortunately (or fortunately) it did not, apart from occasional stares.

I have never understood the excitement behind suits. Some people take it literally that since there are many pockets in a suit, the wearer has lots of chumz. People in suits are given far more respect than those without them. If you step into a Mhindi shop and ask for a gold watch, the Mhindi will give it to you and quote the price outright if you have a suit. If you in a t-shirt, he will tell you; “hiyo tunauza five thousand lakini kuna ingine ya mia nane hapa” he will go ahead and chomoa a fake one from under the counter. Now who told him that you cannot afford the 5k one? And what’s with the unsolicited alternative? I bet people loaded with lots of money are not usually in suits. People in suits (especially those under 28) are overworked and underpaid employees with girlfriend problems (read additional expenses) and probably have just three of them. Now that it is a belief that suited people have money, it becomes awkward when you stand there waiting for the boda boda guy to look for change to give you 5 shillings balance.   But again, most thieves and cons have one dress code. A suit.

In other news, I was stuck in a jam along Mombasa road on Thursday and some BMW was besides our mat. Some very beautiful chick was behind the wheels. Probably it belonged to her husband/boyfriend/parents/mpago wa kando/beshte yake. Probably it was hers. That was not the issue. The issue is the amount of stares that she was getting from the people in our mat (yours truly included). Even the driver was ogling too. At one point everybody was looking at her. I think she felt it on her skin. I understand ladies like it when people stare at them that way. Am just hoping the stares did affect her. So ms beautiful-girl-in-a-sleek-BMW, apologies if we trespassed.

In other news, did somebody see honorable Sonko on TV this week? He was leading a group of people in protesting against high prices of flour. So they had packets of flour which they were tearing and pouring on themselves. SMH. You know I will not call sonko mad. I fear that next time I visit a market, mad men might beat me up for soiling their name.

Boom box playlist:

 Jar of Hearts – Christina Perri