My 69 minutes of sex

With my word page cursor blinking and no words to constitute a post for this shamba of mine, I’m reaching for my earphones. Attaching them onto the laptop and clicking for the windows media player. Its library has 5,610 songs, that’s roughly 404 hours of listening. I need to filter this shit. I type ‘sex’. There are only 14 songs with the word sex? That’s only 69 minutes, I am disappointed. They say a normal human being thinks about sex all the time. Being a normal human being I’m going to listen/think (read engage in) sex for the next 69 minutes.

Being on random, the media player plays sex on the beach by T.Spoon. I’m hoping all the good names had been taken by the time the bloke decided to sing. Anyway, it’s a nice song.  It’s been long since I listened to this song. Long since I listened to soul. The lady on the chorus wants sex on the beach. Me too. It’s just that there aint beaches in Nairobi, just bitches.

Next there is a sexy lady riddim called L.O.V.E by bennie man and calibe. Can bennie finish a song without saying zagazagao? I wonder what it means in English. So they are singing about love? I don’t understand love, so I press next. Another sexy lady riddim by Choco called chemistry. I have never liked riddims. Where did I get these from? This girl has vocals. I let her finish describing the chemistry she has with her physics teacher who happens to be her biological brother. Am playing with you, but that was smart, right? All three sciences in sense making sentence.*beams*

Marvin Gaye comes next with sexual healing. Nice. Feels like those songs you wouldn’t mind if they lasted for er, 69 minutes. I wonder what kinds of diseases that are healed through sex. I know of diseases created out of sex. Damn I should have enrolled to study medicine. Maxwell comes on to sing the remix of sexual healing. He mangles it with the help of some Jamaican frog singing the chorus. It comes out like ‘sexual ailing’.

Akon teams up with the lonely island to sing I just had sex. So people sat down to write this song. Smh. I kinda liked the video. They put effort in making it fascinbating now that they did not employ a single brain cell in the lyrics and content. Check this out: ‘have you ever had sex/I have, it felt great/it felt so good when I did it with my penis…’ . it goes on that way. Akon is shoddier in the chorus.

Sexy can I by Ray J and Young berg. I do not know about you but whenever I meet ray j’s name, Kim Kerdashian hastily comes to mind. Do not ask why, go ahead and switch on the lights before you suffocate with darkness. Now that Kim is divorced, how about a season 2 of the Ray Kerdashian sexcapade? If you are of the opinion can I hear you say ayeeeee….

I invented sex, that’s the lie Trey Songz is selling to girls. By the way who really invented sex? Satan…eve…adam…akuku danger…anyone? I think I should bring it up with one of the church elders next Saturday. I wonder whether they will give me a straight answer or splash holy water on my face. Canton Jones has a remix of the same song. This time it’s a gospel track. He says he knows who invented sex. He is advising girls against helping men get laid. ‘don’t rush lets go slow/ it will be time before you know/and let’s get married/baby that’s the plan for the man who invented sex/

R. Kelly and Keri baby are uuu! Uuu! With number one (sex). Go ahead and tell a real kikuyu girl to say: R Kelly really loves Keri. Hehehe, that’s smart too right? The laid back way in which the beats go is jazzing me. I love this song.

Birthday sex. I have never had this in the 23 birthdays I have gone through. It will mean something if I turned 24 happy like Jeremih, ludacris and twista in this song. Luda is crazy. ‘since you like to wrestle am gon pin you to the bed/I have you leaving on a stretcher when I see how far I can stretch your legs’. This December will present another chance for me to sing this part in action. Hehe. Tierra Marie has a remix on this. I know for a fact that she will not leave on a stretcher just by stretching her legs. That girl is fit.

Songa karibu mpenzi you’re so sexxeyyy! Where the hell did these trio go? I hope they are still alive. At least Amani can be found, lakini Patenee (sp)… anyway this is a nice song. They all brought their A game into the song. Next comes sexy back by justin timberlake. Yawns. Press next.

I have no words to describe the nice feeling I get when listening to this next song. Kings of leon – sex on fire. ‘Yeeeah this song is on fiiiirre!’ that’s my own remix, again very smart right? I play it for another time. And another time. I have look for lunch.

Well that about 69 minutes well spent and a post to show for it.

Boom box playlist:

Sex on fire – Kings of Leon

Perfect Imperfections

          Sometimes it is in order to be fascinated by a defect or an imperfect circumstance or an unfortunate occurrence. You know…. for instance the thrill of events colluding to create the worst of the accidents in the movies or that strategically disguised concrete block that will send you flying onto the floor in your mitumba mabati suit . Instead of feeling sorry for the affected parties, you will be busy digesting the beauty of the events. I guess this is the ideology that most artists use to sell their work. A guy tries to paint/draw an object then in the middle of it he realizes that he has messed it up, what does he? He smears different colours of paint on it in frustration and hangs it for exhibition. It is later auctioned and ends up in some rich, cigar smoking, pot bellied, bald headed guy’s clande’s bedroom.

Well this week I saw a perfect imperfection. I happen to be one of the Kenyans crossing Uhuru Park in the evening from job. Don’t judge, it saves money, time and money. I failed include that it saves money too. With my earphones on, tuned to X fm and daydreaming about my mansion about to be completed inside the CBD, I saw her. The lady in front of me must have been a Toyota…sorry I got carried away. The lady in front of me had the most spectacular knock-knee legs you can imagine. It was an absolute beauty. The tiny yellow dress complemented her wonderfully. They were so perfectly done that I couldn’t help but stare as she…er...um sashayed away. Sometimes you can’t help but concede that it takes so much effort to create something to be in such perfect imperfection.

They say you got to embrace your weakness and you will live in peace. Everybody has a weakness or two and each one has a customized way of overcoming it. It turns ugly if one leaves his/her weakness unattended and it eventually runs wild, possibly becoming a wild animal in the process. It is worse if the weakness impinges the tom, dick and NATB whom you interact with. We all know Sonko’s weakness. I was also enthralled by how far he could go to prove that he is really a..…well, I have no appropriate word.

I got an invite to grace some fundraiser with my presence at the Sarova Stanley (but do I say..).  Hey I have no money to give away; it’s just that it was work related. The chief guest was Sonko. So I had the occasion of being in the same room with the one and only sonko. Yaani I had an opportunity of throwing a punch or a curse word right into his face for the days he had made me puke in my mouth. As you have envisaged I did not take the chance.

I supposed that that day he could overlook his folly for a change. The guy never squanders any chance to astound. He started off by giving a very ridiculous conspiracy story about the Sinai fire. Maybe he it was true. The amount sonko gave is not an issue. It is the amount his bodyguard gave and the token from the prime minister that perturbed me. His bguard gave a donation of 10K. He insisted he was a PA but am sure he was the body guard, unless these days P.As are twice your height and wear jeans and a t-shirt written ‘Convict’. The guy was behind sonko’s back even when he went to the loo. Of course Mr. PA couldn’t utter a word in English. Sonko then declared that the prime minister had sent him with a donation of 50bob. Who does that? Well, it is only him. I really wonder how these breed of Kenyan leaders will be eliminated. Such public display of imperfection by people expected to be reverential makes me question boasting that we are better than the monkeys.

            Boom box playlist:

            Fuckin’ Perfect – Pink

            Before it explodes – Alexandra Burke ft Bruno Mars

Safaricom Cloud: The burlesqued version

First I will wish to state that this is not a form of promotion for Safaricom that I am running and therefore there is no consequent arrangement for billions to exchange hands as fees. I am not ready to receive calls from relatives, friends, stalkers and strangers demanding a share of the cake. However, if by any chance (which I am thoroughly convinced that it is likely) this post results in an eventual material increase in the revenue accruing from this product, I am convicted that I am entitled to be paid by Mr.Colymore for my royal services. In other word I am willing to be paid for this.

In the recent weeks we have all been hearing about the Safaricom cloud. The good thing about their adverts is that they are not long enough to explain to you what kind of animal species a cloud belong to. They are however long enough to tell you that it will enable you to reduce your costs by 30%. I have always admired Safaricom for the belligerent market leadership when it comes to innovation and product development. They are so good that they make the Airtel, Yu, me and Orange look dense, slow, lacking direction and thoroughly dumb. I know after like 6 months they will all be wobbling to the market with a shady and faded form of a cloud. It would have already rained billions for the better option by that time.

So what the *blip* is a cloud? I hear these days when a person says PC he/she is not talking about the national holiday speech reading, helmet clad Provincial Commissioner, not even Personal Computer. It means Personal Cloud. Stop with the blank look. Habari ndio hiyo. So what is a cloud? Well, just like almost all Kenyans I do not know. After visiting an internet branch along Koinage street at 11 pm on a Friday and subsequently feasting on Wikipedia and other related foods that were on display, I know what it is.

I found out it was simpler than I imagined.  Cloud is a mass of frozen water hanging on the atmosphere waiting to be pregnant enough so as to urinate on the earth’s surface or on people or on polythene bags on people’s heads. At least that’s what my geog teacher, Mr. Mbugua told me, I think. I don’t remember well. But I remember him calling me Rojes. SMH. So that’s a cloud. A safaricom cloud is a cloud safaricom has formulated to help them boost their chances of having over 20 billion shillings profit. Simple, right?

How the *blip* does it work? Thanks for asking. Since it operates high above the earth surface, far away from even a ladder placed on top of times towers, nobody has identified how it operates. Not even the makers. What is however known is its great and proven efficiency. This is evident by the colossal smirk worn by the people sitting on the cloud in the adverts.  What is its use? Nice question. Custody. Storage. It is used to store data or any item. You know storing and hiding are synonyms right? Kinda. So it can also be used to hide things…or people.

Who is supposed to use Safaricom cloud? Mmmhhh bright question! Anybody. If you have something to hide, or store or if you want to hide this is your heavenly (pun intended) blessing. As long as you can be able to transport your item/yourself up to the cloud with a safaricom logo up in the skies, you can transact with the better..umm the only option.

Has safaricom gotten any customers yet? Excellent question! Yes of course. Here are some of the pioneering clients:

Ocampo 5.5 – now that the hague date is looming, they have booked a place where they will hide if shit happens to head in the direction of the fan. They will just jump out of the hague-bound plane onto the green cloud.

Office of the PM and the PM – the kazi kwa vijana money had to be stored far away from the prying noses of Kenyans in general and bonny Khalwale in particular. Nobody can decipher the trail of these money now. The PM has booked a space here if by chance the G7 and the CJ comes for his neck.

Al shabaab – I hear they are shitting in their pants because of the Kenyan army. They intend to run away to the cloud for safety. Now that there are no planes flying out of Somalia, they have devised a way of reaching the cloud. They sit on a grenade as it blows away. Very bright.

Ongoro’s husband – the missing CDF cash is safely tucked in the cloud. I hear he is also planning to move there. The upper cuts are getting more and heavier.

The list is endless. Some names have not been published because of national security. A special offer is on the process of being laid out allowing people to deposit items and other people they do not want to see again a.k.a Safaricom shift+delete. I can’t wait for it.

Boom box playlist:

So High – John legend ft Lauryn Hill (cloud 9 remix)

War, scanners, snitches and the vital organ

It has taken me so long to write something about this war we are fighting in Somalia and the ensuing grenade attacks in this beloved city of ours. Yes WE are fighting the war. The thing is that I might have been a wee bit scared of opening the door to the land of jinxes in the process of saying an indecent word or two to the al shabaab (somebody said people in Kisii call em Al sapapu, I agree). Being one of the Kenyans who pass through Accra road nearly every day, I have this dumb and paranoid speculation that this crowded boulevardcould be a nice place to blow up if ever the al shabaab fancied. My ancestors have this proverb ‘en’goba nero ekomenya’ loosely translated as the scared one is the ones that live. So you know where I get my paranoia from.

So every building, kinyozi, public toilet, kitchen, salon, smoking zone, bar, city hopper and mama mboga’s kibanda has a watch man with some piece of timber to scan your body parts for a grenade or something that may make a grenade for the period you are in that place. I really doubt that it really works. Maybe it does. Ok, it doesn’t. sigh. *shrugs*. Anyway, no place scans people’s asses thoroughly like the NSSF and NHIF buildings at Upper hill. I went to NSSF at lunch time and the queue at the main gate was astonishingly long. The car queue into the NHIF building is always this--------->looong. Sometimes it causes a jam around that kabend. The car owners have to get out, then the watchies search the car as if they have been told that it is right there. These guys check even under the accelerator. They are a single instruction away from dismantling and reassembling the cars. It seems we share a common trait with the big guys in these buildings - getting scared of some nonexistent stuff.

I don’t know how Kenyans are letting these media houses to keep on with this snitching business. The dailies report on everything that the army has done and what it plans to do in the next days. Kwanza daily nation’s front page always has a map with labels showing where our men plan to attack, there are symbols and they even indicate where north is facing. I never read front page stories but I think they must be reporting the tactics to be deployed, time of engagement and the possible escape routes that the militia can use to evade the attacks. All this is currently being revealed to the enemies at a cost of sh50. Apart from conspiring to snitch on Kenyan army, they are conspiring to raise the cost of newspapers. Lucky for them the guys who are good at demonstrations (kina Sonko and his pack of hooligans with widely spaced brains) do not even stop to read newspapers nor do they buy meat. So Rinas Getahe and Boll Melly can have a peaceful sleep.

There is this e-mail that people are forwarding to one another on the precautions to take if one is unlucky enough to find his/her butt near a ready-to-blow grenade (a real one, not the one found in the PM’s office). If you haven’t been forwarded or not yet read it somewhere on the net, then I advice you change your friends and possibly visit the nearest internet branch more often. Internet’s main office is along Moi Avenue. So I was saying about the precautions. These people are asking a lot from us, the victims. You cannot do a tenth of what they are advising before you meet with the grim reaper. They’re saying you lie down with your feet facing the grenade, feet together, hands covering your ears…blah blah. Then they talk about protecting vital organs. To me my vital organ for now is situated in the groin area. Well, am yet to sire a Natb-let, soo that’s rather obvious. I guess my hands (and legs if possible) will instinctively scamper to protect my vital organ. I do not want to imagine myself screaming like that dude in the movie Piranha, as the fish swallowed his, em, vital organ. This means I may not qualify to follow this spam they call precautions to take in case one is unlucky enough to find his/her butt next to a ready-to-blow grenade (a real one, not the one found in the PM’s office).

I take this chance to say that, just like the rest of Kenyans I support our troops in Iraq…er, sorry, in Somalia and I want them to know that we are proud of them. I have no single thread of doubt in my mind that they will defeat the al shabaab and eventually bring peace to this war torn country. Go ahead and crush those ma’gkxv’kers. So sad that there aint oil for us to take advantage.

Boom box playlist:

This is war – 30 seconds from mars