Moi University Handbook.

As we approach the opening date for the first year students in Moi University, allow me to give excerpts from the Moi University Handbook which were inadvertently left out of that big green boring pamphlet they sent you. They were written in italics and the secretary thought they were supposed to be omitted.

So ladies and gentlemen, congratulation goes to those people who, despite availability of other better universities, chose to choose this Kesses university. Being one of the newest members of the alumni, let me inform you that you made a very special choice. Being a university with a difference, I wish to inform you of the features that make us different from other universities:  

Campuses

We pride ourselves of an uncountable number of campuses that we have opened. No, I mean it literary. Nobody will be able to establish the number of campuses the university has off head. Not even the VC. Nobody bothers. Just like the mobile network, we are everywhere. You must have seen a Moi uni poster in your village, it is not a bluff; we have a campus there. This academic year, we are set to start a campus in the eldoret bus station.

Our massive assets

We are not endowed with campuses alone. Ladies n gens, we have ….wait for it….a helicopter. Yes, that one. Though very very few people have laid eyes on it, we are confident that it is present and working. It is due to security reasons that it is under limited scrutiny. Its obligations are extremely indispensable. It usually ferries the VC to his home (once a month) and other similar trips that gives him comfort and peace of mind to execute his duties of opening campuses across the country and beyond  (south sudan). We are the sole owners of RIVATEX company, the premier textile producer for east and central Africa. The company does not give attachment and employment priority for moi uni students in a bid to allow other non moi uni members to have a taste of this glorious community. We also own other assets including a big hotel in eldy town.

Official dialect of Moi university staff

The official language within and without the university is kalenjin. Others call it kigale. I wish to ask you to learn it as soon as possible if you are not from that tribe. This will break the language barrier that might exist. Secretaries in all offices prefer this language. To some, it is the only language they speak n understand. Such people are employed in accordance to the ministry of heritage directive of preserving the Kenyan roots amid these changing times. Kitchen staff, janitor, student leaders, lecturers, watchmen, matatu drivers, mama mbogas, and the VC use this dialect.

Fare

On the reporting date you might notice that the fare from Eldy town to campus is the same as that of Eldy town to Nairobi. That should not surprise you despite the fact that the distance is a massive 35 kms. The fare was reached after a meeting between the senate, matatu owners association  (lecturers) and student leaders. The meeting was broadcasted live on a local TV station. The official university dialect was used. The rise in fuel prices, length of the distance, HELB, and the deepness of the matatu owners (and others who were at the meeting) pockets were considered when coming up with price.

Booking rooms

When you arrive, you will be subjected to a looong queue when getting a room. That is one of the more than a few policies that have been put in place to ensure students are fully fit (read slimpossible policy). Plans to enable booking of rooms online were shelved because of three reasons:  1) It was realized that cyber crime was rife in Kenya. Credible information was received pertaining a plot by criminals to steal a hostel, online. Imagine waking up and getting a whole hostel stolen? 2) Determination of an official password was also a problem that made the plans to be shelved. This is because the online booking programme could not be written in the official university language which most housekeepers (janitors) used. 3)The program did not have a way of collecting a fee which housekeepers usually charge if your want express VIP treatment. The fees is used for buying pens, mid-morning tea, fare, kids skul fee, clande upkeep for the house keeper.

Toilets

The state of toilets in the hostels is…well…different. They were made in 1984 (the day the university was founded). The supplier of the WC system assured us that they would require repair after 50 years. We are still waiting for 2034. The toilets are made in such a way that one steps on the seat when using it. This is another slimpossible policy of the university. Other equipments like beds, locks, windows (including pane), switches, bulbs, floor, and chairs became operational in 1984 and carry a life expectancy of 50 years.

Classwork

Unlike other universities, we value your education. We have employed lecturers as per the ministry of heritage. On top of teaching you the course work, they will teach you how to pronounce English words in their respective mother tongues. At the end of the four years your cert will indicate your ability to pronounce English words in all the 42 language on top of English language. Whenever assignments are given, you are allowed to use your neigbour’s copy. Just make sure you change the cover page and probably the format from Calibri to times new roman and vice versa where applicable. This will leave you with more time to study in the library, mess, your room, neighbor’s room or your lady friend’s room…as long as it is studying. During CATs and final exams, you are allowed to use a mwakenya. A mwakenya is a compressed comprehensive notes that a student records down as a proof that he/she has studied them. A mwakenya shows that a student has all the notes with him/her.

Exam grades.

 Grades are not normally given according to how well you wrote the exams. Since everybody is allowed to use a mwakenya, it is assumed that everybody will get 100%. Grades are therefore given using a random probability rating grade generator that is recommended by the ministry. The size of your pocket, your tribe, luck, lecturer’s mood are considered in awarding the grades. Results are released after two years. The random probability rating grade generator requires two years to give grades. First class honors are given using a different generator. It is called a first glass galenjin spiging only students awarded generator.

Honorable mentions:

Peter mashoka, absence of TVs in the TV rooms, presence of school buses which are actually absent.

Boombox playlist:

Cee-Lo Green – The Song Otherwise Known As ‘Forget You ‘

Buster rhymes ft Linkin Park – We made it.