This country of ours has endless supply of spewers of bullshit. Not a single day passes without me exclaiming WTF! Isn’t there a competition or an award ceremony for such acts? It is time Kenya started benefiting from such isht. In a bid to distinguish and appreciate the unwavering persistence of the Kenyan people, raise your glasses (I don’t care whether it contains champaign, chambein, keg, milk, chai, chai ya cocoa, water etc) and let’s have a toast for these douches:
Marende
When this guy was elected spika, *with ekwe ethuro accent* everybody said he was fit for that job. Sober, laidback, etc. he has been doing good all the way. However the guy changed when KRA came knocking at his office. Mr. Sir why are you willing to take a bullet for the mpigs just for them not to pay taxes? He asserts that there was a gen’men agreement btn president, PM, Ag and him. You know I would excuse him if he was born before the ’02 agreement was talked about in ’07 btn Raila and Obako. Nobody honors promises in Kenya. Not especially near parliament and with Wako as the legal backing. Just get over it. I am thinking of two reasons why marende is fighting for MPs not to be taxed: a) one of the mps has pictures of him in compromising positions, possibly in sabina joy and he/she is blackmailing him or b) the guy is so broke and by paying the backdated taxes he will end up walking with just panties beneath that official gown.
Sonko
So this is the current Mr.famous of Nairobi, mr.i-can-take-a-dump-in-the-streets-of-nairobi-n-nobody-does-nothing. This guy has done everything unlawful in this country yet he is freer than me. I get it that occasionally he passes by mama mbogas’ place and gives 1k to each of them. But why the camera happy nature? I don’t know how but all the crazy stunts he performs are often recorded by all the major media houses. The sad part is that these honorable media houses will air the story with a sense of pride and achievement. Am hoping the guys behind sonko as he performs his bewildering acts are well compensated for their PDS (public display of stupidity). I know if I ask the guys who elected him not to do it again I will end up in ICU or the morgue. Just tell him reduce the number of times he appears on my TV screen. Otherwise the people I live with, will keep on suspecting that am pregnant going by the times I puke in a day.
MPs
Everybody knows the drill here. I wonder why scientists have not yet come up with an vindication for the sudden and mysterious brain loss of these guys the moment they are sworn in. every Kenyan people hate MPS, well except themselves, their families and clandes. These guys do everything against the conventional common sense. At the end of the day they are entitled to over 800k for this. Sometimes I feel that there must be some funny gas in the parliamentary buildings which erodes their thinking capacity. Thank God that gas lives there alone. These guys don’t want to pay tax because they have financial obligations and funerals to attend. I don’t know what more to say. Just have a toast.
Iteere n his mboys
You know it would be easier if it is candidly said that the Kenyan police forces have no other skills apart from returning fire and recovering a toy pistol. Whenever there is a case, the police will say they will launch an investigation and that will be that. You will never hear about it again. Maybe ‘launching an investigation’ is their phrase for ‘case closed, twende tukunywe muratina.’ I am not telling them to be like CSI NY or something (anyway why can’t they?). I just want to see them connect obvious dots and arrest somebody. They are said to have given an inconclusive report on mercy keino’s death. After all the investigative reports from the media and witnesses they couldn’t come up with something good. Smh.
Churches n pastors
One thing I love about the seventh day Adventist SDA church is that they do not meddle in the affairs that are not directly concerning them. It is a trend that whenever a fly passes over the plate, the church will organize a press conference and yap how unholy the act of the fly was and how they expect it to proceed to the Sunday service with more sadaka to cleanse its soul. So to speak. These guys do not miss any opportunity to remind us how the Pharisees were on Jesus’ case back in the day. Pastors should just sit pretty and wait for sadaka on Sunday. We do not need to see them on TV trying to solve math problems and jumping into the murky political waters.
My Orange modem
This is personal. I use an orange modem. To say the least, it is cruel, vindictive, nasty, uncongenial and hard to work with. 100 mbs get used up when they reach 85mb mark. That means you have to reload it before the 85mbs. Loading the orange website usually takes like 5mbs on a good day. The orange customer care guys have no idea how a modem works. They hear all about it in the newspapers and tv. A 1mb file uses 5mins and 3mb to down load. Am trying to convince myself that all this is just happening to my modem alone.
FIDA
Sometimes back my younger bro asked me what FIDA meant in full. I do not have a clue (any one?). For the sake of this post, Fida means all groups out there fighting for the rights and lefts of women. Am not trying to appear sexist or something. But I certainly do not like what these groups are doing in some instances. We get it that women are sometimes discriminated in some areas. We also know the constitution has some clause that talks about a third of public seats bla bla. I want them to tell me whose fault it is when an interview to appoint five people is called, 15 men and a lady show up. Since a third of the appointed has to be women, do one of the guys appointed turn to wearing a skirt just to fulfill this condition? I think this equality thing is being pushed too far and it will end up compromising competency. These guys have come up with a kasystem to force people to elect more than a third of MPs to be women. I hope it doesn’t see the light of the day. Some guy said these women groups are composed of divorced, unmarried, sexually deprived women with a midlife crisis who want to get back at men. I kinda disagree with him…or not.
Student leaders
Student leaders are meant to look after the interests of the students. The truth of the matter is that they are usually focused in filling their pockets and kick starting their political careers. The UON leaders take the cake in having the real leaders. These guys end up being MPs and activists, currently the most stupid pair. So some day a student leader uttered on camera that they had killed and burnt some guards they has suspected to be engaging in rape and robbery. I thought such things only happen in my home village? I wunt support that at all.
Activists
Gone are the days when activism was activism in Kenya. Remember father Njoya? Serious activists have been replaced by greedy and scheming men and women operating in the guise of fighting for rights and lefts. This is how inactivists act: each day they are fighting for a different wrong in some area of the government. At the end of the day they do not achieve anything. The next day implies that they have forgotten about jana’s activities and looking for a new area to go to. Yesterday they were heckling a magistrate. They even said that she was being used like a condom by the government. I hear that these guys document the haki yetu marches, police cat and mouse chases and the press conferences they give. They use the clips to beg for sponsorship from international donors which they swallow. Scumbags.
Rita Muchiri
Do not worry if you do not remember this name. This is the lady who was demanding a 1.2 million dowry. Smh. A guy can move the oceans and land for a girl. He can make it stop raining for her. He can even catch a grenade for her. However he can never pay 1.2M for her. With the current trend in divorce and infidelity, nobody will think of committing such an act. Kwanza who has such money to splash unless the boss (Mwau) is his dad? The chick, in a mabati rolling mills suit, claimed that the peros had used lots of money to educate her and that required a refund. Lemmie catch a breath. Who’s going to refund money the man’s parents used for schooling him? Sometimes I get the impression that people talk without thinking. I will pay1.2 meters as dowry for you if you have ALL these abilities:
-generating (not cooking) food with exact ingredients
-Strong Penile Erection inducer
-Ability to find lost electricity
-Ability to change faces on my command
-No aging
-Father Christmas characteristics
-Room for mpango wa kando
Boom box playlist:
Runaway – Kanye west ft Pusha T.
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