Natb Hates...

Being human like all of you, I am entitled to love and hate whatever I stumble upon in the everyday life. Hate is good! Why? You cannot love something if you do not hate the other, see? Without more ruckus, ladies and gen’men Natb presents Natb Hates….

Uganda.

It is not a secret that I abhore this country. There is this ego they have that I cannot stand. I have an impression that if the country had something of substance (like a port or oil well), they could have kicked Kenyans out of Kenya. Their honourable, lifetime ‘prisident’ of theirs does not make things any better. The guy acts like he is the sole distributor of oxygen and owner of Africa, and not that tiny, landlocked piece of land that they call a country. He has literary grabbed two islands from Kenya. Now I hear UG is collecting taxes from the residents of Migingo. You know they are doing all this yet they are heavily dependent on Kenya. Kenya has never beaten the Uganda football team since like forever. A couple of months ago Uganda was in town for a game. The Ugandan fans came too, with all the arrogance and dirty talk about our team’s incapacitation. Where is the GSU when you need them?

Nigerian movies

Exactly six years ago, I had a thing for Nigerian movies. I also never had a problem wearing a yellow ‘sen’genge ni n’gombe’ cap. Now I know better. I think Nigerian movies are out to ruin the Kenyan film industry (wait, is there one?). If you compare Kenyan and Nigerian movies, both scripts suck, the cast is fairly akin in terms of looks, Nigerian accent is sickening, they tackle similar topics, the acting is mediocre, they use similar weaves etc. So why go for Nigerian movies yet we can manufacture the same locally and do away with transportation costs? The local TV stations are spearheading this noble cause of thrashing local content. What is with these Nigerian movie stars coming to Kenya all the time? And what’s with the deafening screams they receive from ladies? I am just hoping the people screaming are mboches or aspiring mboches who happened to be all in the same place at the right time.

Soaps

Exactly six years ago, I had a thing for soap operas. I also had a baby face. In fact, I never had beards. Things have now changed. I have one beef for soaps; the influence that it gives our ladies. These guys should first look for people with better sounding voices. Stop using frogs as an old woman’s voice. Dear ladies, do not expect men to treat you the way those men treat those women. Do not expect us to kneel down, weep at your feet just to win your heart. At least grow hair to the same length as those chicks and we shall debate whether I could attempt to serenade you. Otherwise just leave whatever you see right there where you saw it. You have never seen a man expect a chick to kick ass the way Nikita does.

Citizen

It is the top TV station in Kenya in terms of viewership. I do not dispute. Banks, hotels, kinyozis, supermarkets, houses (when mboches are around) and any other idle tv have signed a pact to show citizen tv even if the people around do not want to watch any tv. BTW that table at their newsroom is real and good looking and we get it, there is no need of showing it in different angles. The programmes they air make me hate this station. These people air the two programmes I hate. Nigerian movies and soaps, all the time. Any time you switch to citizen channel the probability of getting one of the two is 9/10. The remaining 1/10 is utilized in airing 8024 winners jaba jiba.

Arsenal

Timu ya baba. That’s how some blokes call it. Everybody knows this is a children’s orphanage with a privilege of two cents wages. I have never understood why some people support this team overcrowded with failure. Their trophy cabinet is so full of emptiness that it cannot be locked. Nothing makes my weekends than an arsenal thrashing.

 The Spanish

Every time Spanish people appear on tv, big mouths expansively open, shouting their famous ole song, makes me want to hurl a shoe at the screen. The Spanish have conspired to ensure we (read rest of the world) are condensed into spectators as they celebrate victory after another. They took the world cup, the champions league, I hear last week they won the under 21 world cup. Nadal won the French open crown (what’s its name again?). What made me bitter is the fact that he beat federer (a guy I absolutely love, no homo, and share a God-given name with) at the finals. Kwani how many finals am I going to be heartbroken at the hands of the Spanish mf’ker??

MKZ

Smh. So I used to be a lover of facebook. The whole fb vibe now seems so lame to me. That’s all.

Classic in the morning

The topics discussed in this radio show are so obtuse. Somebody told me that those stories sell. Does it mean that you should nourish us garbage just because you get revenue? Such programmes are totally worthless and makes people more silly. Trust me. Your IQ reduces with the number of such shows you listen to. If you had a CAT in the morning and you board a matatu airing this show, be assured of a fail, unless you have a mwakenya to save you kimakmende. I have never seen the sense of people confessing on air about their sexual conquests. Instead, let somebody disclose the number of trips his pick up makes to JKIA in a month, with concern to his flower business. Such are the stories that will motivate people to pursue stuff that will build this nation.

The standard newspapers

The grammatical errors found in a single page of this newspaper equals to the number of fleas in a wild dog’s balls. On top of that, these guys come up with very dubious news articles (remember UKenyatta airport million dollar theft?). There is something about the overall arrangement of the paper that does not make me happy their magazines are so down, except..em..um..none. Maybe it’s the paper quality, or fonts used. Toilet paper.

Equity bank

I am not a member of equity bank; obviously it is because I hate it. If you asked my dad which is the shadiest bank in Kenya, he will state equity without blinking. I engaged him to tell me why he thought so yet they were raking billions and awards, he just said his guts sayeth so. For me it is not mai guts that said. I have ever gone there to deposit cash thrice. Imagine the smelliest part of muthurwa market and put on a roof, television showing citizen channel and mount equity bank posters. That is the state in this bank. Whichever time you of the month; the queues are usually looong and slow. Some time ago I saw a clip of some guy who came with a goat INTO the bank to deposit money. It seems he had exchanged brains with his partner mr.mbuzi.

Boom box playlist:

Cleaning out my closet – Eminem.