Everything am Not...

I completed campus in April full of enthusiasm and expectation. Despite all the Hakuna Kazi chithat all over, nobody bothers to believe it. I never believed it too. There is this manufacturing plant on the way to where I stay that has a big poster at the gate saying there are no job openings. It is again translated in Swahili just to clarify. I always smirk when I pass there and see it. I get it damn it! After three months of applying, waiting, applying, waiting and more waiting with no replies, I have come to acknowledge that getting a job depends on factors kilometers away from the classroom affairs.

There exists a cycle similar to that of poverty that exists in the job market. If your relative is a manager somewhere, you can be assured of a job in that area. Later you will replicate it by giving a through pass to his/her son or some other relative. It goes on and on. Such families will stay employed forever. If your extended family does not have managers, you will always be at the sidelines, possibly a clerical job in a mhindi shop. No possibility of growth. No possibility of creating a job opening for your people. Everybody in that family starts from square one. It goes on and on. If you are in the second category trust me you will need more than papers to pierce the corporate veil.

My friend Funk calls it luck. According to him people are born lucky and unlucky. I kinda agree with him. You can blame your ancestors, your ancestors’ gods, the sun or even the church service you skipped but if you are not lucky, then you better develop a thick skin or just walk with a shield. Not a day will pass without nature reminding you of what you are. It’s like you are a slave. The master will swing a whip at you any time just to remind you who is in control. Lucky chaps bring the impression that they can sit down, close their eyes and summon the rains successfully. You know. Their lives are well documented like ours but, the road used doesn’t have traffic jams, pot holes or dead bodies waiting to be run over. They reach their destinations on time and safely. They have like 4 chicks with a crush on them at any given time. You as mr.not-so-lucky will have not even a fraction of these. The road your car of life uses is completely converse. Sometimes the car even runs out of fuel, and you think of quitting the journey.

Everybody knows which group he/she is in. they say you cannot change where you are from but you can change your future. That should give the unfortunate lot, like me, something to sleep on. Something got to start from somewhere however big it will be. It is just a matter of getting the facts right. And hoping lady luck smiles at you, just for this one time.

Boom box playlist:

Everything I Am – Kanye West.

This n That II

Yesterday I felt like I should write a new blog post, so I opened word. Stares. Blink. I had nothing to write. I rather enjoyed watching that ka-nini (I don’t know its name) blink. It’s like it was laughing at me. Loser. I hurriedly closed that window and browsed over my “muviz” folder for something to watch. I had to watch ‘The Bank Job’ again. If you love a bri_ish accent (n women with minimal or no apparel) like yours truly, you can never get weary of watching this movie. My finest jiffy is when some old guy is so furious at some lady and yells at her: …’you conniving c***’ hehehe. Complete with the profound accent. Sigh. That accent is going to slay me one day. The day some lass (exquisite or otherwise) benevolently steps in front of me and articulates to me something pleasant in that inflection…I will bloody go woozy. *that is a br,sh talk rai thea*

By now you know I got nadda remarkable to write about. I just wanted to use my lil shamba to tell the human race, and aliens if they have internets, how oblivious I am in coming up with something to write about. Being an unemployed Kenyan youth, I usually report to my workplace (couch) every day and unwind with my companion – tedium. My dad called me and proposed that I look for kibarua ‘kubeba vitu kwa duka la mhindi’. Of course he was joking but for a moment I imagined what if he was serious. The first scary thought that came into my mind was wondering how the mhindi could pronounce my name. I think I would have to change my name to Manmit (damn I miss ‘outsourced’). I then wondered whether the boss would be the same size as the fatty bag of fat in TPF all stars super fans corner sharing a bottle of tusker with Joey. Taking orders from a fat Indian is not that amusing. Speaking of TPF, there is this advert I saw of Safari park (I think) where some Chinese/Korean/Japanese/any other small eye country was getting VIP treatment. She was supposed to be some big shot business lady in town? No no, wrong choice. I thought she looked more of one of the massage girls who had arrived late to work n was given a lift in a limo.

Some day I was watching the beat at ntv and they were showing a clip from BET awards where Chris Brown was performing with buster rhymes some song. So these guys censored some word as buster was rapping with his trademark 1 million words per second. I don’t think it was obligatory. NTV were taking it too far. You see, most of us were brought up just knowing rumours about a language called English. That is loosely translated to, we cannot get those words spoken that fast. Nway, that was not my beef. The same night I was watching ‘private practice’ at the same channel. At some point some lady was like…I s*bleep* with him. Again after another sentence,…I told you I s*bleep* with him.

So NTV was censoring the word slept. They did not want us to know she slept with him or did not want us to follow cue and go sleep with him/her. Or something like that.

I had promised myself not to write a swear word on this blog in full, but that instance made me change my mind. *capital letters denotes shouting, OJ style*

NTV, WHAT THE FUCK!!!!

Sigh. I now feel so good. I think I should start a WTF corner where I bellow at whoever pisses me or my shiny, royal balls.

Boom box playlist:

Forgive Me – Group 1 Crew

Moi University Handbook.

As we approach the opening date for the first year students in Moi University, allow me to give excerpts from the Moi University Handbook which were inadvertently left out of that big green boring pamphlet they sent you. They were written in italics and the secretary thought they were supposed to be omitted.

So ladies and gentlemen, congratulation goes to those people who, despite availability of other better universities, chose to choose this Kesses university. Being one of the newest members of the alumni, let me inform you that you made a very special choice. Being a university with a difference, I wish to inform you of the features that make us different from other universities:  

Campuses

We pride ourselves of an uncountable number of campuses that we have opened. No, I mean it literary. Nobody will be able to establish the number of campuses the university has off head. Not even the VC. Nobody bothers. Just like the mobile network, we are everywhere. You must have seen a Moi uni poster in your village, it is not a bluff; we have a campus there. This academic year, we are set to start a campus in the eldoret bus station.

Our massive assets

We are not endowed with campuses alone. Ladies n gens, we have ….wait for it….a helicopter. Yes, that one. Though very very few people have laid eyes on it, we are confident that it is present and working. It is due to security reasons that it is under limited scrutiny. Its obligations are extremely indispensable. It usually ferries the VC to his home (once a month) and other similar trips that gives him comfort and peace of mind to execute his duties of opening campuses across the country and beyond  (south sudan). We are the sole owners of RIVATEX company, the premier textile producer for east and central Africa. The company does not give attachment and employment priority for moi uni students in a bid to allow other non moi uni members to have a taste of this glorious community. We also own other assets including a big hotel in eldy town.

Official dialect of Moi university staff

The official language within and without the university is kalenjin. Others call it kigale. I wish to ask you to learn it as soon as possible if you are not from that tribe. This will break the language barrier that might exist. Secretaries in all offices prefer this language. To some, it is the only language they speak n understand. Such people are employed in accordance to the ministry of heritage directive of preserving the Kenyan roots amid these changing times. Kitchen staff, janitor, student leaders, lecturers, watchmen, matatu drivers, mama mbogas, and the VC use this dialect.

Fare

On the reporting date you might notice that the fare from Eldy town to campus is the same as that of Eldy town to Nairobi. That should not surprise you despite the fact that the distance is a massive 35 kms. The fare was reached after a meeting between the senate, matatu owners association  (lecturers) and student leaders. The meeting was broadcasted live on a local TV station. The official university dialect was used. The rise in fuel prices, length of the distance, HELB, and the deepness of the matatu owners (and others who were at the meeting) pockets were considered when coming up with price.

Booking rooms

When you arrive, you will be subjected to a looong queue when getting a room. That is one of the more than a few policies that have been put in place to ensure students are fully fit (read slimpossible policy). Plans to enable booking of rooms online were shelved because of three reasons:  1) It was realized that cyber crime was rife in Kenya. Credible information was received pertaining a plot by criminals to steal a hostel, online. Imagine waking up and getting a whole hostel stolen? 2) Determination of an official password was also a problem that made the plans to be shelved. This is because the online booking programme could not be written in the official university language which most housekeepers (janitors) used. 3)The program did not have a way of collecting a fee which housekeepers usually charge if your want express VIP treatment. The fees is used for buying pens, mid-morning tea, fare, kids skul fee, clande upkeep for the house keeper.

Toilets

The state of toilets in the hostels is…well…different. They were made in 1984 (the day the university was founded). The supplier of the WC system assured us that they would require repair after 50 years. We are still waiting for 2034. The toilets are made in such a way that one steps on the seat when using it. This is another slimpossible policy of the university. Other equipments like beds, locks, windows (including pane), switches, bulbs, floor, and chairs became operational in 1984 and carry a life expectancy of 50 years.

Classwork

Unlike other universities, we value your education. We have employed lecturers as per the ministry of heritage. On top of teaching you the course work, they will teach you how to pronounce English words in their respective mother tongues. At the end of the four years your cert will indicate your ability to pronounce English words in all the 42 language on top of English language. Whenever assignments are given, you are allowed to use your neigbour’s copy. Just make sure you change the cover page and probably the format from Calibri to times new roman and vice versa where applicable. This will leave you with more time to study in the library, mess, your room, neighbor’s room or your lady friend’s room…as long as it is studying. During CATs and final exams, you are allowed to use a mwakenya. A mwakenya is a compressed comprehensive notes that a student records down as a proof that he/she has studied them. A mwakenya shows that a student has all the notes with him/her.

Exam grades.

 Grades are not normally given according to how well you wrote the exams. Since everybody is allowed to use a mwakenya, it is assumed that everybody will get 100%. Grades are therefore given using a random probability rating grade generator that is recommended by the ministry. The size of your pocket, your tribe, luck, lecturer’s mood are considered in awarding the grades. Results are released after two years. The random probability rating grade generator requires two years to give grades. First class honors are given using a different generator. It is called a first glass galenjin spiging only students awarded generator.

Honorable mentions:

Peter mashoka, absence of TVs in the TV rooms, presence of school buses which are actually absent.

Boombox playlist:

Cee-Lo Green – The Song Otherwise Known As ‘Forget You ‘

Buster rhymes ft Linkin Park – We made it.

Natb Hates...

Being human like all of you, I am entitled to love and hate whatever I stumble upon in the everyday life. Hate is good! Why? You cannot love something if you do not hate the other, see? Without more ruckus, ladies and gen’men Natb presents Natb Hates….

Uganda.

It is not a secret that I abhore this country. There is this ego they have that I cannot stand. I have an impression that if the country had something of substance (like a port or oil well), they could have kicked Kenyans out of Kenya. Their honourable, lifetime ‘prisident’ of theirs does not make things any better. The guy acts like he is the sole distributor of oxygen and owner of Africa, and not that tiny, landlocked piece of land that they call a country. He has literary grabbed two islands from Kenya. Now I hear UG is collecting taxes from the residents of Migingo. You know they are doing all this yet they are heavily dependent on Kenya. Kenya has never beaten the Uganda football team since like forever. A couple of months ago Uganda was in town for a game. The Ugandan fans came too, with all the arrogance and dirty talk about our team’s incapacitation. Where is the GSU when you need them?

Nigerian movies

Exactly six years ago, I had a thing for Nigerian movies. I also never had a problem wearing a yellow ‘sen’genge ni n’gombe’ cap. Now I know better. I think Nigerian movies are out to ruin the Kenyan film industry (wait, is there one?). If you compare Kenyan and Nigerian movies, both scripts suck, the cast is fairly akin in terms of looks, Nigerian accent is sickening, they tackle similar topics, the acting is mediocre, they use similar weaves etc. So why go for Nigerian movies yet we can manufacture the same locally and do away with transportation costs? The local TV stations are spearheading this noble cause of thrashing local content. What is with these Nigerian movie stars coming to Kenya all the time? And what’s with the deafening screams they receive from ladies? I am just hoping the people screaming are mboches or aspiring mboches who happened to be all in the same place at the right time.

Soaps

Exactly six years ago, I had a thing for soap operas. I also had a baby face. In fact, I never had beards. Things have now changed. I have one beef for soaps; the influence that it gives our ladies. These guys should first look for people with better sounding voices. Stop using frogs as an old woman’s voice. Dear ladies, do not expect men to treat you the way those men treat those women. Do not expect us to kneel down, weep at your feet just to win your heart. At least grow hair to the same length as those chicks and we shall debate whether I could attempt to serenade you. Otherwise just leave whatever you see right there where you saw it. You have never seen a man expect a chick to kick ass the way Nikita does.

Citizen

It is the top TV station in Kenya in terms of viewership. I do not dispute. Banks, hotels, kinyozis, supermarkets, houses (when mboches are around) and any other idle tv have signed a pact to show citizen tv even if the people around do not want to watch any tv. BTW that table at their newsroom is real and good looking and we get it, there is no need of showing it in different angles. The programmes they air make me hate this station. These people air the two programmes I hate. Nigerian movies and soaps, all the time. Any time you switch to citizen channel the probability of getting one of the two is 9/10. The remaining 1/10 is utilized in airing 8024 winners jaba jiba.

Arsenal

Timu ya baba. That’s how some blokes call it. Everybody knows this is a children’s orphanage with a privilege of two cents wages. I have never understood why some people support this team overcrowded with failure. Their trophy cabinet is so full of emptiness that it cannot be locked. Nothing makes my weekends than an arsenal thrashing.

 The Spanish

Every time Spanish people appear on tv, big mouths expansively open, shouting their famous ole song, makes me want to hurl a shoe at the screen. The Spanish have conspired to ensure we (read rest of the world) are condensed into spectators as they celebrate victory after another. They took the world cup, the champions league, I hear last week they won the under 21 world cup. Nadal won the French open crown (what’s its name again?). What made me bitter is the fact that he beat federer (a guy I absolutely love, no homo, and share a God-given name with) at the finals. Kwani how many finals am I going to be heartbroken at the hands of the Spanish mf’ker??

MKZ

Smh. So I used to be a lover of facebook. The whole fb vibe now seems so lame to me. That’s all.

Classic in the morning

The topics discussed in this radio show are so obtuse. Somebody told me that those stories sell. Does it mean that you should nourish us garbage just because you get revenue? Such programmes are totally worthless and makes people more silly. Trust me. Your IQ reduces with the number of such shows you listen to. If you had a CAT in the morning and you board a matatu airing this show, be assured of a fail, unless you have a mwakenya to save you kimakmende. I have never seen the sense of people confessing on air about their sexual conquests. Instead, let somebody disclose the number of trips his pick up makes to JKIA in a month, with concern to his flower business. Such are the stories that will motivate people to pursue stuff that will build this nation.

The standard newspapers

The grammatical errors found in a single page of this newspaper equals to the number of fleas in a wild dog’s balls. On top of that, these guys come up with very dubious news articles (remember UKenyatta airport million dollar theft?). There is something about the overall arrangement of the paper that does not make me happy their magazines are so down, except..em..um..none. Maybe it’s the paper quality, or fonts used. Toilet paper.

Equity bank

I am not a member of equity bank; obviously it is because I hate it. If you asked my dad which is the shadiest bank in Kenya, he will state equity without blinking. I engaged him to tell me why he thought so yet they were raking billions and awards, he just said his guts sayeth so. For me it is not mai guts that said. I have ever gone there to deposit cash thrice. Imagine the smelliest part of muthurwa market and put on a roof, television showing citizen channel and mount equity bank posters. That is the state in this bank. Whichever time you of the month; the queues are usually looong and slow. Some time ago I saw a clip of some guy who came with a goat INTO the bank to deposit money. It seems he had exchanged brains with his partner mr.mbuzi.

Boom box playlist:

Cleaning out my closet – Eminem.