First I will wish to state that this is not a form of promotion for Safaricom that I am running and therefore there is no consequent arrangement for billions to exchange hands as fees. I am not ready to receive calls from relatives, friends, stalkers and strangers demanding a share of the cake. However, if by any chance (which I am thoroughly convinced that it is likely) this post results in an eventual material increase in the revenue accruing from this product, I am convicted that I am entitled to be paid by Mr.Colymore for my royal services. In other word I am willing to be paid for this.
In the recent weeks we have all been hearing about the Safaricom cloud. The good thing about their adverts is that they are not long enough to explain to you what kind of animal species a cloud belong to. They are however long enough to tell you that it will enable you to reduce your costs by 30%. I have always admired Safaricom for the belligerent market leadership when it comes to innovation and product development. They are so good that they make the Airtel, Yu, me and Orange look dense, slow, lacking direction and thoroughly dumb. I know after like 6 months they will all be wobbling to the market with a shady and faded form of a cloud. It would have already rained billions for the better option by that time.
So what the *blip* is a cloud? I hear these days when a person says PC he/she is not talking about the national holiday speech reading, helmet clad Provincial Commissioner, not even Personal Computer. It means Personal Cloud. Stop with the blank look. Habari ndio hiyo. So what is a cloud? Well, just like almost all Kenyans I do not know. After visiting an internet branch along Koinage street at 11 pm on a Friday and subsequently feasting on Wikipedia and other related foods that were on display, I know what it is.
I found out it was simpler than I imagined. Cloud is a mass of frozen water hanging on the atmosphere waiting to be pregnant enough so as to urinate on the earth’s surface or on people or on polythene bags on people’s heads. At least that’s what my geog teacher, Mr. Mbugua told me, I think. I don’t remember well. But I remember him calling me Rojes. SMH. So that’s a cloud. A safaricom cloud is a cloud safaricom has formulated to help them boost their chances of having over 20 billion shillings profit. Simple, right?
How the *blip* does it work? Thanks for asking. Since it operates high above the earth surface, far away from even a ladder placed on top of times towers, nobody has identified how it operates. Not even the makers. What is however known is its great and proven efficiency. This is evident by the colossal smirk worn by the people sitting on the cloud in the adverts. What is its use? Nice question. Custody. Storage. It is used to store data or any item. You know storing and hiding are synonyms right? Kinda. So it can also be used to hide things…or people.
Who is supposed to use Safaricom cloud? Mmmhhh bright question! Anybody. If you have something to hide, or store or if you want to hide this is your heavenly (pun intended) blessing. As long as you can be able to transport your item/yourself up to the cloud with a safaricom logo up in the skies, you can transact with the better..umm the only option.
Has safaricom gotten any customers yet? Excellent question! Yes of course. Here are some of the pioneering clients:
Ocampo 5.5 – now that the hague date is looming, they have booked a place where they will hide if shit happens to head in the direction of the fan. They will just jump out of the hague-bound plane onto the green cloud.
Office of the PM and the PM – the kazi kwa vijana money had to be stored far away from the prying noses of Kenyans in general and bonny Khalwale in particular. Nobody can decipher the trail of these money now. The PM has booked a space here if by chance the G7 and the CJ comes for his neck.
Al shabaab – I hear they are shitting in their pants because of the Kenyan army. They intend to run away to the cloud for safety. Now that there are no planes flying out of Somalia, they have devised a way of reaching the cloud. They sit on a grenade as it blows away. Very bright.
Ongoro’s husband – the missing CDF cash is safely tucked in the cloud. I hear he is also planning to move there. The upper cuts are getting more and heavier.
The list is endless. Some names have not been published because of national security. A special offer is on the process of being laid out allowing people to deposit items and other people they do not want to see again a.k.a Safaricom shift+delete. I can’t wait for it.
Boom box playlist:
So High – John legend ft Lauryn Hill (cloud 9 remix)
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