Of shopping, supermarkets and bargaining.

I went to do some shopping in Ukwala supermarket, the one on Tom Mboya Street just opposite KCB. The first thing I felt was resentment. There is this document folder I had purchased the previous day at Tuskys for sh 400, it is retailing at Ukwala for sh 199. So depressing. Why is it that soon after you have purchased an item you find a place selling the same item at a generously lower price? Well it has happened to me many times this week; given that it turned out to be the week I did lots of buying.

Speaking of buying. There is also bargaining. I abhor bargaining like the current cold I am having. I hate sellers especially of the second hand items. They will just start off with a preposterously high price and hope you are unwearied enough to plead for a lower price. I am not. Once am told the price I usually walk. Then the guy will hound you telling you the ‘bei ya kuongea/uko na ngapi’ line. I hate the whole arrangement. If my pockets were profound, I would be a regular in areas where there is no haggling and begging as if your life depended on it. I enjoy simplicity. That’s why I like supermarkets. That document holder made me hate Tuskys. I would forgive Makumat (the folks in Kisii used to call it that name, when it opened a branch in kisii town back in ‘05) if they charged me that way. I expect Tuskys to be the front runner at charging almost free prices to the common man.

Going back to my Ukwala story. That particular supermarket has some amusing procedural arrangement. It has three floors. If you purchase an item on the second floor, say a hammer, you will get a guy right at the stairs who will manually write you a receipt for the hammer and instruct you to head down to the lower floor. At the 1^st floor, you will get a cashier where you will pay for the item. You will proceed to carry the nyundo to the ground floor for it to be packaged. Whoever came up with that master plan is a genius. He/she is free to die because he/she has achieved something just like Wmaathai. Maybe other supermarkets use the same system and am being paranoid. This system is good if you are buying a hammer alone. Woe unto you if you are buying shoes, iron box, basin, ndoo, rack, sufurias and a carpet at the same time (all of these reside on the 2^nd floor).

Anyway, as long as you do us a favor of charging reasonable prices, we (read, I) will be disposed to go an extra mile (sic) to do business with you. That has reminded me of some joint I saw in town selling fries at 30 bob. Well that what am talking about! Wait for it. The queue was very looong. I bet one has to spend over 30 minutes on the queue before getting served. Truly the wait is worth the extra shilling saved. I blame all this on the dora, or dollar depending on the exquisiteness of your lower primary English madam. The CBK and UKenyatta should find a better person to blame. I volunteer they blame one of these people: Mike Sonko, the buru buru robber, al shabab, raila odinga, wayne rooney, beyonce’s unborn child, stanchart marathon, ekaterina trendshassdgv (sp). If they are not satisfied they can also blame NATB™.

Having said I hate bargaining, it has come into my attention that Kenyans generally love bargaining. They bargain even on items with a fixed price. If ever I turned out to be a seller of a fixed price item and you came bargaining, hell I might even render you toothless. I found this story among the comments in one of the media madness articles. Enjoy:

Operator: Thank you for calling Kenya Airways. How may I help you?
Kenyan: Hallo. Germany ni pesa ngapi?

Operator: That will be Ksh 55,000 one-way.
Kenyan: Lakini si hiyo ni bei ya kuongea?

Operator: Am afraid the price is fixed.
Kenyan: Na nikishukia France nitembee hapo pengine?

Operator: Sir, the price for the flight is fixed.
Kenyan: Hata nikasimama?

Operator: That is not allowed on the flight sir.
Kenyan: Haya basi, nitakaa kwa shimo yenye iko katikati ya viti. Hiyo ni pesa ngapi?

Operator: Sir, I said the price for the flight is fixed.
Kenyan: Ai? Wacha nipigie Juma.

Operator: Who is Juma sir.
Kenyan: He is my relative. You see my grandfather had three wives. So
Juma is the son to the brother of my sister's cousin from the second
wife of the brother of my grandfather. Anafanya kazi huko kwenu. Am sure
ataongea na wewe mnibebe sare.

Operator: Am afraid that will not be possible sir.
Kenyan: Haiya. Na wewe ni mgumu? Na mzigo je?

Operator: We allow 25 kgs carry-on luggage per passenger sir.
Kenyan: I have about kilo mia moja.

Operator: We will charge you Ksh 500 per extra kilo.
Kenyan: Si nitajishikia? Ni gunia moja tu. Nitashikia hapo nyuma ya pilot.

Operator: Am afraid only hand luggage is allowed sir.
Kenyan: Jesus! Nyinyi watu mnatunyanyasa. Ninaomba serikali iangalie hii mambo. Ok. Wacha nitalipa hiyo pesa.

Operator: Thank you.
Kenyan: Oh! Just one more thing. Naenda na Jane, mtoto wa sister yangu. Huyo si naweza kumshika tu?

Operator: How old is she sir?
Kenyan: Ni mtoto. She is only sixteen.

Operator: Am afraid that will be an additional ticket sir.
Kenyan: What do you mean another ticket? Mtoto. Lakini si ni half price kwa sababu ni mtoto eh?

Operator: No sir. She will pay the same rate as an adult sir.
Kenyan: Ai? Ksh 110,000. Hiyo ni mingi sana. Kwani ni plot nanunua? Ai? Hapana. Wacha twende na Meli.

Boom box playlist:

Call Tyrone – Erykah Badu